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thinner at the waistline
"Hello Euphoria" by Turnover
Thinner at the waistline
I feel thinner at the waistline
I'm getting old in the face
Everyday there’s another new line
You're looking thinner, are you alright?
Yeah I'm just busy all of the time
I'm just a little more tired every day I really don't know why
(I'm just so far, I feel so far away)
September 3, 2018 Monday 11:16 PM
Oh my god I've had SO many thoughts today, which for me is deeply frustrating because I just want to record them but I can't do that until I get to this site, and then I have to bottleneck them as I can only illustrate one idea at a time—I have so many so so many. I just spent the last couple hours on the Random Assortment entry writing a shitload about music, but today most of my thought has revolved around romantic interest.
As a general note—I feel... good. Better. I don't feel neutral anymore, I feel kind of energized and excited about things! I just got my period, which, ugh. Also I've had for the past 5 days the worst breakout I've experienced in literally years. Usually when I have a "breakout" it's like—3 pimples. Or it's a big pimple. This is literally a bunch of small pimples running up both sides of my jaw and I am deeply annoyed by this. I don't think my skin has looked this bad since middle school or early high school and I don't know why it even happened! I'm thinking maybe it has to do with my period, but I don't know why this has never occurred before then. I haven't really changed my diet. It's been a lot hotter outside, though, hovering around 90 degrees. This was more bearable during the actual summer because during the day I was working in an air-conditioned library 4 days/weeks. On the days that I did have to sit in the humidity, I was in an office full of fans. I was still sweating but I mean—fans. That has not really been the case lately??? On Wednesday I moved my stuff around from 11 AM to 8 or 9 PM in the 95 degree heat. I was covered in sweat that whole day, it was gross. Literally every part of my body was moist lol. On Thursday I had to sit in a hot room for the entire day for a work thing. No fans, haha. Friday is when the pimples showed up in earnest. I've been working since Saturday for at least 4 hours a day in a hot basement while wearing socks, sneakers, jeans, a t-shirt, vinyl gloves, and a baseball cap. We are not allowed to wear shorts or sandals for sanitary reasons (I work in catering prep, so because I handle materials that will be touching food and people's mouth's we have to pay attention to sanitation). On both Saturday and Sunday, I worked double shifts (8 hours on Sat, 7 on Sun) In short, I've been sweating a lot and I haven't had a lot of time to wash that sweat off my face. So it's possible it is the weather that is Murdering my Skin right now. I'm hoping it will clear up soon, though. I really doooo nooottttt enjoy it. Pimples make your face kind of hurt! Did you know that? Like when you go to wash it, it hurts a bit. Ugh. I am infected. :( Also the sweating is even WORSE now that I have my period because I have to wear a pad and I feel like it's just soaking up my crotch sweat. I am actually just a greased-up potato person.
Oh, right. Thoughts regarding romance (haha transitioning str8 from Skin Problems to Love). So I've seen Moby quite a bit since I arrived. We both work for the same on campus association (dining services) and we are both supervisors in different factions. Since this week has been dedicated to supervisor training meetings and supervisors working overtime to compensate for the lack of workers, I've seen him around a lot. Mostly we just wave to each other (in my case, I wave by crooking my pinky at people). The first time I saw him he was walking across campus with his girl, which made my stomach twist, but not because I still want him—mostly because seeing them reminds me of a period of time in which I embarrassed myself in a lot of ways and probably made both Moby and his girl very uncomfortable :) So that's nice.
We do have a lot of mutual friends so I ended up going to eat with him, Nadiya, another guy I know, and Marie. That was fine. I mostly talked to other people and was annoyed at myself for being so childlike and expressive (this has been bothering me a lot lately—the way I collapse when I laugh, and how I laugh loud, and just generally my mannerisms are very distinct. Very obvious. I want to be more like Goose or Marie, people who are distinct but restrained. They don't speak too much, aren't too excitable). We were in Moby's room with his roommate for a bit, and I tried to joke around with him but he seemed kind of unreceptive. Which I figured was fine. After thinking about it a bit, I don't think I am too interested in being his friend anyway. It seems like it'd be hard. He doesn't reach out to me a lot (except to invite me to dinner with the group on that night—but part of me thinks someone else suggested I come and he was just the messenger) and I don't want to feel like I'm forcing it. That goes against my personal friendship code, which is that they should Not take a lot of effort to spawn or sustain. I ended up leaving early because I got bored just sitting around in the room with people who have been friends with each other longer than they have been friends with me. I know Marie and Nadiya love me and think I am important, but I still don't like to be reminded that I didn't have any friends except Karina first semester until I met Moby. Yeah, that's what bothers me the most I think—is that I met these really great friends through a failed romantic interest. It's not fun for me to think back on how I met them; instead I just get reminded of everything. A me problem, I know. I figure it'll be fine eventually. I already feel way better about it than I did 3 months ago. I guess now just wait 6 more months and see how I feel then haha.
I caught myself thinking about Moby a lot yesterday night, and then again before I fell asleep. This frustrates me. I feel like I don't even know him anymore—how can I still be interested? Yes, he is physically attractive and has a good personality, but our personalities don't match up, right? He's insecure in some ways that will wreak havoc on the soul if ur involved romantically with me (bc I have a lot of issues and am really volatile hahahah—in other words, I think I'd work best with someone who would actually believe me when I said I like them but I am hurting). Plus, I secretly suspect I didn't show him enough affection or sexual interest. And now he's with someone who does and it is fulfilling all his needs. He can't help it if those ARE his needs (just like I can't help that I need very little in that area), but I still feel inadequate for not having the mental fortitude to have provided him the things he needed. It is hard for me to trust that I'll find someone whose needs will be compatible with mine. That just seems so unlikely—there may be 7.5 billion of us, but I don't interact with a lot of folks. I have a very small pool of uninterested potential suitors about me.
I wonder if I'd think about Moby less if I felt like I knew him. Or if I'd like him even more. Right now, feeling like I've forgotten how to interact with him, I have a lot of room for imagination when thinking about him. Ugh, it's just annoying. I don't WANT to be into him. I don't think we'd work as a couple (because of aforementioned things, and prolly also other stuff). I just want to be FRIENDS because that'd be so much eaaaassiiiiieeeerrr but it's so haaaard. Maybe I could wipe his memory, pretend we met at a party and became INSTANT buddies and he introduced me to people as his purely platonic friends and it went on like that. Ugh. Wipe my own memory. Ugh! Haha.
I think I am so obsessive about this (1) it never really felt resolved (I suspect Moby is still weird around me) and (2) because it is really the only instance of romantic emotional investment I've had. There was Isaac, but that was so low stakes for me it doesn't even count. This, though? I think this situation revealed a lot about myself. I learned so much. And I haven't had another chance to "Try again" so to speak, so right now this is my only frame of reference. Also I have to see this bitch Moby all the time, haha. So there's that. I'm so bored of thinking about this—it was nice how I thought about it like once a week or less over the summer. I figure as frequency of exposure goes up, frequency of the thought will go down, though, as I become accustomed to Moby's presence. An inversely proportional function!
I don't even really WANT a boyfriend. I have felt really content being alone, especially since I'm grosslooking rn. I frequently think I am grosslooking so I don't know that my dip in self-esteem can be attributed solely to my skin's condition, but it def doesn't help haha.
Ok I just said I don't want a boyfriend but my uterus disagrees and I am not ok with that! I have a coworker (another supervisor) who likes really good music and is very amusing and interesting. Because he is a guy my uterus immediately is like "what would it be like to cuddle this guy" and I'm like "no thank u pleaaaaaaase" but she goes anyway. He's small, shorter than I am and thinner too, but he has a nice face and I wonder if I could get past the body type thing anyway. I don't want to be the kind of person held off by that shit—wanna be the sort that doesn't mind being taller and THICCER even if she is a girl. I don't know if I'm open-minded enough to be that way, though, even if I want to.
Also when I think about it I don't know why i keep thinking about my coworker romantically. If he were a girl, I'd want to be friends with him. I'd enjoy his company. Which is true now, but I am still bombarded with these ~romantical~ notions that I suspect are shallow and tied only to his sex. Ugh. It's annoying.
There is a guy, however, that I have been attracted to these past couple days. He holds himself in suuuuuch an awkward way. It's like his bones are twisting hahaha. I think I am generally attracted to weird movements, twitchy boys. Dunno what it is—guess to me indicates a bonedeep weeeeirdness. This guy is very funny and kind of weird-looking but in a pretty way. He's quiet and a supervisor in a different faction, so I'll probably never see him again after today. Which sucks because I want to know mooooore about his grinding booooonnnneeees. His name is that of name brand chicken nuggets and other frozen chicken snacks, which I don't like eating because sometimes they contain ground up cartilage and the chewiness nauseates me. But despite his dumb name he's cute and strange. Unfortunately, I am an accordion-person who is constantly writhing-squirming in my skin when someone excites me (usually by mentioned something really Messed UP which I find amusing).
Ok ya well it's like midnight now and I gots to sleep soon. Maybe I'll take melatonin. Okkkkk gooooooodnight.
(oh! Also, PS: I lost about 10lbs this summer. That's nice. Weighed myself and was a bit shook. Plus I think I have more muscle mass anyway since I've been working out AND my job requires quite a bit of heavy lifting. Hopefully my arms will be fit as FUCK soon omg)