suh-mone

in my 20's
2018-09-02 22:25:15 (UTC)

A light?

hey guys! as you know ive been pretty fucking mentally drained by depression and overall sadness. I wasnt sure what the catalyst was, maybe having sex with my EX. but none the less i have been feeling pretty shit. but to my surprise things are getting abit better. well at least in a few ways. romantically, and financially.
so ive been on the prowl this summer for MR. OR MS. RIGHT. I was having a really rough time finding them. i spent my summer trying to present myself to new people and really putting myself out there. i would feel super confident around these people i was feeling like i was myself the most with these people probably cause i was high to be honest but i already know that i feel whole when im high. so none the less i just felt like i was doing the right things with these people but nothing was turning out the way i had hoped. instead of finding love i found DISA-FUCKING-PPOINTMENT !!
I was starting to get super aggravated and self conscious and not really knowing if i was the one fucking up or if it was them just being fuck boys and girls. its like i would have a completely great time with these people thinking we were connecting and everything but in reality i guess they just werent fucking with me?!? i honestly dont even now because it would come as a shock everytime, and after awhile i just started expecting it which isnt beneficial but all my mind would do. i started to question everything about myself, my approach, my clothes, my voice, my laugh, my hair, my skin, my smell, my smile, my words, my walk, my movements, it was very draining but i was just becoming hyper-aware of everything i am. it was beginning to be very damaging. me calling my ex just to cry and talk down to myself about all the things i do that are wrong just wanting him to join in on the roast feast just so i could feel something, even if it was just more pain and and hurt at least i could control it.
tinder was my GO TOOOO, like anytime i was bored or just got rejected and wanted to try again id go on there and swipe until someone made me feel good. whether that was just attention through conversation or forced and uncomfortable sexual conversation, it just felt good to be entertained and mentally pre-occupied with something else other than sadness. so i found myself swiping through tinder again and again but it just wasnt cutting it. i wasnt getting the response that i needed to get to feel good about myself . so i remembered a friend had mentioned OKCUPID to me as a way to online date. she had just gotten with her partner that she met over it and suggested it as a an alternative to tinder because there is more info about the person on their profile other than a few pics and a lame ass bio. so i figured id try it out for myself. i went ton okcupid and filled out the form to make an account, uploaded a pic or two, fill out the questionnaires and such and started to make my way around the website.
so basically on okcupid you look through a page of people that you sort by age gender location etc. and you can decide to message them if you like. a little different from tinder because you dont only get that one opportunity to message the person. you dont even have to "match" with them to send a message. soo.. im on there just filing through 'single' (hopefully) men n women in my area. so my filing through and come across Andres. i looked at his pics, read through his bio, looked at his interests, and took note of our compatibility, based on our answers, and decided to send him a message. i think i said something generic like 'hey handsome', and to my surprise, fast forwarding to know, i REALLY like him. i dont want to hype anything up and ruin it before it even happens but i think its safe to say that this might be really good for me . hes a great guy and honestly hasnt even raised one red flag yet, and hopefully not ever. but we've talked the past few nights and its been great, i really feel comfortable talking to him, he gives me butterflies, and i just cant wait to meet him. hes off this upcoming week from tuesday til friday so we are hopefully planning on going on our first day sometime then.
he just might be the light at the end of this dark ass tunnel ive been in for what seems like 6 years, thats all i could ever ask for.




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