alittebitbroken

alittebitbroken
2018-09-02 21:59:47 (UTC)

I Found More Pictures

Today I found pictures of you again. I really thought I cleaned them up. It's almost been a full year and I'm still trying to clear the memories of you from my life.

God, I hope that writing this down will stop me from thinking about you…

I found that one pic I loved so much of you in the hoodie bathrobe. So freaking adorable. I miss you so God damn much.

I've been trying harder to move on. Some days I feel like I'm doing great, but others… I just lie in bed crying over you again. I just wish I could forget. I want to forget so bad.

I can't even hookup with someone without comparing them to you. Then I get stuck in a loop of missing you again, because no one comes close.

The scariest thing for me is that it's been almost a year. I knew you meant a lot to me, - you still mean a lot to me - but I'd hope that no contact would have freed me or something… it hasn't.

I recite that message of you saying it's over and that I need to move on, over and over, but I just can't seem to let go.

My only comfort is that everyday, it feels like a little part of me dies inside. But not just the part that misses you, but the part that cares about anything at all. It's like I've lost all desire and I'm becoming a colder person.

I have to fight to make sure that I'm not pushing people away, but honestly, I don't want to feel this kind of hurt again, because I don't even know if I'll make it out alive the next time around. There were some really dark days. I don't want to let anyone be close to me anymore - what's the point? They all seem to leave anyway.

I like to make myself believe that I don't have regrets, but I do. I regret being angry and saying those hurtful things to you. I regret having forced you to make a decision that you weren't ready to make. I regret having believed that you wanted something more. I regret having kept it up for so long when I wasn't sure how to make it work. I regret quitting my job, if that's what made you distant. I regret not making this a one night thing and having let it drag on with some blind hope that somehow still lives on, despite how painful it still is.

I know you think I hate you, but I can't hate you. I'm angry that you don't need me like I need you. I'm hurt that you let me convince you that we didn't have a shot and that I didn't want you to fight for me; I regret expecting you to. I'm hurt that you convinced me that night, in PR, on the stupid bench, that you wanted to be together. I don't know how to not be hurt by it. I keep waiting for you to come back and say you're sorry, because I am and let's talk through this. But I know that won't happen.

But if I'm really honest, I'm not what you want or even what you deserve. And it kills me. I have baggage, I'm reckless and hot-headed, I get jealous, I'm overly sensitive, although I don't always think about how the things I do will affect the people I love, and I require a lot of attention.

I know there's no point in writing this, but I need to get it out of my head.

My hope for you, is that you're happy. That's really all I want anyway. I hope that you've moved on and aren't also in pain; that you've met someone who can show you the love you deserve and who can give you the assurances you need to commit. I will always love you, and although that scares me a little, I can a least find a little comfort in knowing that you're fighting for what you deserve; you're fighting for your happiness, and that's all I want for you.

Love you, Ben Ben.




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