Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-09-01 06:56:56 (UTC)

Losing My Way

Titled this entry after one of my favourite JT songs. JT being Justin Timberlake, for anybody who isn't aware. It's 7:09am and i'm in pain this morning. Not emotionally, for a change. Well, for now at least. It never lasts. I'll forever be plagued by some dark depressing thoughts. I'll run but eventually, they catch up.

Work went super quick tonight. I've picked up some serious pain in my back though. I must sound really old, I feel really old. I guess bringing in so many deliveries and lugging around so many boxes has finally taken its toll on me. In 12 days, I'll have been there 3 years. I'm going to start looking for a new job soon, but I've been saying that for months now. I haven't got enough motivation to walk away from there, yet. I'm hoping it will come in time. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm still there until I've fully gotten everything I want out of education. Time will tell.

I'm too scared to go into another job. I hate being new. I'm pretty nervous about starting my college on Tuesday. I mean, I don't really care whether people like me or not. I'm not there to make friends or to be liked. I wouldn't say no to some friends but that isn't why I'm doing this. I'm doing this to make something of my life because it's my last real chance. If I don't grasp this now, I never will. It's just a case of being comfortable, generally. That's obviously why I've stayed in my job for as long as I have. I got comfortable and it was just so easy, the money is decent.

I guess I really lost my way. I wasn't really thinking about the bigger picture and ultimately paid the price in many aspects for that. Things have passed me by. A relationship, opportunities, life. Life was passing me by. I drastically needed a wake up call. The break up WAS that wake up call, and whilst I do regret and wish I could change a lot of things in my life, I know I can't. I can't be bitter, I have to be better. I think my thought process of it all is, nobody else is probably thinking about that stuff anymore so I shouldn't either. It sounds really shitty and ignorant but it's probably true. You can't be mad at the past forever, it will run you into the ground. I'm not one for looking at the future at all. Not because I'm scared of it. At least I wasn't, I think I am now. I often feel like I won't have one. I'm surprised I've made it to 27 in all honesty. I've often said that I expect to be dead before I'm 30 but, I'm hanging in there. I also said that I would likely commit suicide after my parents died. I know I'm not that close with them but they have raised me well and educated me as best they could. The only thing my parents haven't taught me is how I can live without them. It scares me just thinking about it. This entry got morbid quite fast.

So yeah, I lost my way and whilst I think I don't matter to a lot of people....anymore. I've burned so many bridges and the only person left is the person staring in the mirror, and I don't like him anymore. I hope I can learn to like him again though. I want him to be a good person. A better person than he was yesterday. To learn from his mistakes and actually have a purpose and feel happy. This entry isn't going to get much happier but I'm trying to slowly turn it around. As I sit here listening to whatever has shuffled on Spotify, currently Paloma Faith. I don't mind. I'll listen to pretty much anything. Finding my way starts on Tuesday. A plan is in place and I'm determined to commit to it and when I come out the other side, I'll hopefully be so much happier. The future does excite me but I get carried away too much. I'm trying to be realistic, but not pessimistic. It's proving very difficult. I guess I just need to think about things one step at a time. There's no reason for me to rush anything.

I'm going to try and rest now. My back feels absolutely shattered. If anybody is reading this, have yourself a good day.