Scream Above the Sounds
It's 4:30am, I haven't slept yet but I probably should soon. I need to stay up a little longer to make sure I sleep for the majority of the day, in preparation for my night shifts this weekend.
I try my best to write here as much as I can. I just want to make sure the stuff I post is at least relevant to the way I'm feeling, situations I'm in or things that have or may occur in my life. Writing down any old thing for the sake of it is just a pointless exercise. It doesn't help or benefit me. I guess writing here at times almost makes me feel like I'm talking to somebody, in a very bizarre way. A lot of people have reached out to me on here and it's pretty cool that a website like this helps people connect. Most people are really kind, supportive and wise. It's very refreshing to see and hear. I didn't come here and expect to make any friends. I just wanted a place to vent and get things out of my system or at least log them somewhere.
I do feel lonely though. Even surrounded by people, I still feel incredibly alone. Admittedly, I do isolate myself a lot but my life is full of distractions. Whether it be music, podcasts, video games, pro wrestling, writing articles, writing here in the diary. I have to keep myself busy and keep myself active. It's only at times like this, 4:37am, that darkness just seeps out and you think to yourself "Wow, I really am pretty fucking lonely". I haven't thought about it much for the past few weeks but tonight it's just hit me like a train. I've been talking to my friends more lately but that's only because we're playing the same video game online, which sounds sad. I would often like to meet up with them and actually engage in person but I think they are just too busy for me. I'm not very close with my family either so that's a bit of a dead end.
Maybe I should try and engage with new people when I start college on Tuesday, I just never really know what to say. I'm quite shy to begin with. Life feels extremely repetitive at the minute. I'll wake up, god knows what time at this point. My body clock has been really bad this week. I woke up at 8pm tonight. I'll either play video games, watch tv, listen to music etc. It's fine, it's just very tedious. I never leave the house unless I'm going shopping or going to work. I mean, that will change with college of course. I just hope it will be a positive change and I feel comfortable socially and I actually feel like I'm taking my life back and moving forward. I'll probably be looking to move out again when I finish studying but again, alone. I do love having my space but I don't really know how I would be being alone....all the time. I mean, I may not speak to my parents very much but I can still hear them moving about in the house. There is some odd comfort in that, I guess.
I always envisioned living with my best friend before he started his relationship and then eventually married his wife. I was in a long term relationship myself though and eventually moved in with my partner too. I guess we both wanted those "Chandler & Joey" years but we just missed the boat. (No pun intended for the scene when Joey & Chandler are sat in the boat together) I think if I was to live alone I would probably get a cat or a dog or something. I would need something. My parents would never ever ask or tell me to leave but by the time I finish studying everything and getting what I want, I'll likely be 30. I love this house and have so many memories here, but I can't be 30 and still living here with them. Just a 1 bedroom apartment would do me. Who knows if I'll still be living here when all is said and done. I would love to move somewhere else.
I'm not afraid of dying alone, but people do have aspirations. They want partners, they want a family. I do want that too but it's just not in my plans right now. I don't feel ready and honestly, I don't feel like I'll ever be ready for another partner. So maybe I HAVE come to terms with the fact that it's me, myself and I until the end, and that's okay. I don't need a partner right now. I don't need sex. I just need more of a social life. I need some happiness. I need validation. I just want to feel like I matter.
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