Scream Above the Sounds
In My Dreams
I don't feel like I ever have good dreams. I genuinely don't ever remember waking up and thinking "Wow, that was good" or just something to put me in a good mood and set me up for the day, you know? I've been having the same nightmares now for the last 6 months, they are a lot less frequent now but they still exist and torment me.
They don't have nearly the effect they had on me to begin with. They used to make me feel horrendous. I know sometimes people will wake up and think "My God, that was horrid" but then that's it, you move on. With me, it stuck with me throughout the day. Sometimes I would struggle to have conversations with people because I would be thinking about it or various other horrible scenarios. It became obsessive. It was really hard to get out of that place and shake it, but I'm glad I have. I do feel like these dreams, nightmares, whatever you want to call them are haunting me and something is still trying to break me down. I've learned to let go, at least that's what I tell myself. Maybe these dreams are telling me that I'm not as strong as I'm believing myself to be. I don't know.
I'm not very descriptive with my dreams but the content involves sex, murder, death, heartbreak. It usually always boils down to the same thing to, often the same ending. I just don't wake up and feel like crying anymore. I don't wake up sweating or panting. I never had dreams like these previously, not on a level like this. It's something that's just ingrained in my head now. I used to get really bad, vivid dreams when I was on anti-depressants in 2015. I've always been a very weird sleeper. I need to have something on in the background to help me. Usually some sort of relaxing video game music or a podcast or something will do the trick. I used to just watch TV shows and put my TV on a sleep timer. I just don't feel comfortable sleeping alone in the dark. I know that sounds laughable at the age of 27. I need some sort of distraction. Being alone in bed in the dark with nothing but your thoughts is dangerous. At least with my mindset.
I've had a very positive few weeks and I want to try and keep it going. I have work this weekend and then I start studying on Tuesday. I've got to start focusing on that and not letting this stuff get to me. Have to keep moving.
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