Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-08-29 10:42:28 (UTC)

Entry 100: Feelings

I've never been one to wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't consider myself mysterious but I think maybe people do find it hard to break me down at times and know how I'm feeling. I often display a vacant face. When things originally went to shit and I started writing here, nobody really knew what was going on in my life, for months. I'm usually not very dependant on people either and try and figure things out on my own, I'm quite stubborn.

I often feel like I'm turning into my dad in some aspects and that really isn't who I want to be. I don't think my dad was really cut out to be a father and I often do wonder at times why he had a family. I guess it was to keep my mum happy. Me and my sister were pretty lucky growing up, we were never left wanting. I had a good childhood but I was always missing and wanting that interaction and bond with my father. It used to upset me when I would meet my friends parents and they would have the coolest dad in the world. He would want to take us out and do things with us. My best friends dad essentially became a second father to me. Not that my father didn't raise me or teach me anything, he just wasn't around for anything fun or memorable. The same for my sister, they only started bonding quite recently.

I often wonder how I'll feel when my father dies. I mean, devastated, of course. He just hasn't been very influential on my life and believe me, I don't mean that to be as brutal as it sounds. He is a good guy and would move heaven and earth for me and my sister if we asked him to. I think he just likes his space, which is kinda like me. Which worries me that if I was ever to have children that maybe, I would wind up like him. I don't think I would ever neglect my kids or choose not to bond with them. I would want to do everything and anything with them. Whether it would be watching them at a football game, or in the school play. Anything like that. I think those are moments that I would actually live for.

I am trying to "feel my feelings" a bit more. I mean don't get it twisted, I'm still the same person I've always been, but I guess I'm just trying to be a better person today than who I was yesterday. People often describe me as cold. I mean, I'm very pessimistic but at the end of the day, I'm just a realist. I think I'm quite approachable and I do have a good sense of humour. Despite the way that I write things up on here at times. My humour is pretty dark but I've always been good at making people laugh, one of my few talents. I guess I've always struggled to show people how I've felt about them and it's something that I need to try and change.


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