wet blanket
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2018-08-28 13:29:21 (UTC)

Sometimes I get so caught up ..

Sometimes I get so caught up in my life I don't see the bigger picture.
Sometimes I think too hard and see the whole picture.
Either my life will never equate to anything significant in this world
Or I'm not taking advantage of my one shot at life.
What even is a significant life.
This is the only time this state of consciousness - Me, Nadia - Will ever exist. Both are terrifying.
Once my body, the vessel of my consciousness, dies: I will never exist again. Ever. It's incredibly confronting and depressing. Feels better to write about it.
Sure you can use religion to help numb reality and believe that you'll enter heaven or your mind will go through some spiritual process and reincarnate into some other form of life.
But in reality that won't happen. How could that biologically or evolutionarily make sense.
I feel constantly in two minds.
The old me just wants to waste away and equate to nothing - the new me wants to take advantage of life.
I wish i would just be one or the other so I wasn't so stuck. Either do nothing or do something.
And I'm so sick of doing everything passively.
Do this one day, write this one day, study this one day. Nothing is ever COMPLETE. Nothing ever has a deadline and therefore will never be done. I just want to do things. Just for the sake of doing something.
I'm so grateful for my life but at the same time i hate myself for not doing more with it.