Scream Above the Sounds
This is something that is so important. I almost drove myself to the point of no return because I was wracked with so much guilt, shame, despair. I hated myself and I wanted out. Any day could have been my last.
This is going to sound extremely nerdy and will likely sound a little off topic to begin with but it does tie in with everything that I'm trying to say. I've been playing the latest World of Warcraft expansion, and there is a character in this expansion called Jaina. (I named my kitten after her, but that's irrelevant) Jaina had endured so much in her life. Her father was murdered. The love of her life turned evil because she walked out on him. Her town was bombed and destroyed. She had been through a lot and blamed herself. I'm going to link the video for the latest cinematic, in regards to Jaina being told her to forgive herself and finally let go of these dark, haunting memories that were driving her to madness.
It's so powerful. Not just because it's a video game and it's a well written story, but because it reminded me of what I needed to do. What I FINALLY needed to do. This cinematic resonated with me on so many levels. I wasn't willing to forgive myself. I knew I had made mistakes and I was paying the price for them. I didn't see a way out. I just wanted the ground to swallow me up and for life to be over. We've all made terrible mistakes, it's one of life's lessons. The reality is, we can't change them. I would have killed myself had this gone on any longer. Everyday was torture. I cried myself to sleep almost every night. I felt like I had nobody and this is what I deserved. I used to wake up in the night, freezing cold, shaking, just begging that it would be my last day on Earth and then it was over. The nightmares were some of the darkest I've ever seen. I hope I never ever feel like that again.
I can't explain what happened to me and why I'm feeling the way I am now. I know people say time is a great healer, and it is. But when people tell you that when the wound is still fresh, it's the last thing you want to hear. You don't buy it. You think it's bullshit. It annoys you even more when people try and feed you stuff like that, but it doesn't make it untrue. You have to endure but you also have to be realistic and acknowledge everything that has happened and why the situation is the way it is. I can't promise that you will ever be whole again, or have the life you dreamt of. Some mistakes are too costly to ever repair and set right, but you have to forgive yourself, for your sanity. Don't wind up like I did. I put myself through hell for 5 months solid. Don't hate yourself. You have to be stronger than I was. You have to forgive yourself, learn from your mistakes and eventually, let go. We're only human.
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