Esmeralda_Bramble

Like a Moth to a Flame
2018-08-24 18:04:30 (UTC)

Musings

I was proud to say that I fell in love. Maybe once. It was the summer when I was 30. Found a really interesting man, whose values and interests seem to be very similar to mine. He was my first everything. We broke up, became friends, and he changed so much but I still loved the person he turned to be. But in the course of 10 years, I crumbled.
The other day I was exchanging messages with a childhood friend. She said she really missed the man she was in a relationship with. She told me her love story. How they shared so many interests, how they helped each grow as people, to achieve the things they could not believe they would achieve.
It made me think. I never experienced that. In fact it was the opposite. I felt my life was sucked out of me. I ignored my needs. I had no ambition. I had no interest other than what intersected with the other person. I felt disconnected from my family and other friends. My values are changing. I'm falling into depression and becoming more and more anxious. I realized I was used and abused. I know now that I was an enabler in a co-dependent relationship. It wasn't good for me. The hard realization made me sad of course. My depression is being triggered. But an interesting thing happened, the negative voice in my head was comforting. It was telling me that I'm okay now. I'm out of that relationship and working on myself to reclaim the self I had lost.
I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I just feel anger for the things I let people do to me. Anger that i did not fight back. I want to fight back. I want to resist, no matter how. I wonder if this is me changing? Or is it still who I am but allowing myself to feel and to vocalize what I feel. I hope I will have the strength and courage to do that. I have another strong willed friend who likes to get what she wants. I let her pressure me since I'm a pushover. But I don't want that anymore. I want to be respected. Oh my, give me strength, courage, and conviction. Or maybe I need new friends?




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