Scream Above the Sounds
I've been thinking about doing an entry like this for a while now. Mainly because I never got around to it I guess. Not that I ever felt the need to introduce myself. The diary is purely for my own gratification and a tool for me to vent or say whatever I need to say. What I mean is, when I started writing here, I was at rockbottom, and if anybody has read my entries then they will have likely learned things about me here and there. I guess this entry is for me to lay the cards down on the table and talk about my life, from as far back as I can remember. No entry has ever been on the fly more than this one, so bear with me whilst I get nostalgic and try and cast my mind back.
My name is Edd, Edward officially but nobody ever calls me that. I hate it. I'm 27. January 15th, 1991. I live in the UK. I currently live with both of my parents and I also have a sister who recently moved out. I was always quite a shy boy growing up, even now to some degree. Both my parents worked full time jobs when me and my sister were growing up so my grandmother raised us both. Every morning at 7am we would get up and sit in the back on my dad's volkswagon half asleep, as we were taken to my grandmother's for the day. She would get us ready for school. School begins, we finish. We then stay at my grandmother's until about 5:30pm when my parents would collect us. 5 days a week. I can still remember plugging and unplugging my Nintendo 64 as I dragged it from house-to-house, everyday. My grandmother is an amazing woman. Even now, she's still bringing up children. She brought up my mother, me and my sister, my cousin, and even now, my cousins children. She's very important to me and I love her so much. Growing up with her was great and I owe a lot to her. Both me and my sister do. My sister was very much a tomboy growing up. She didn't have many friends so she stuck close to me when we were kids. She did pretty much everything I did. We were both Nintendo mad, Pokemon mad, you name it. We used to play The Legend of Zelda, Majora's Mask in the back room of my grandmother's house and we would take it in turns to play out the 3 days until the moon crashes down and destroys the world and then swap. All the while whilst the person is playing, the other person would be their invisible companion who wasn't really in the game. Just pretend.
I didn't have a great group of friends in primary school. I was very reserved and kept to myself. I didn't consider myself to be very bright or worth getting to know. I was always invited to play football and bulldogs and various other games that were played on the playground at breaks and lunchtimes but I guess I never felt that I really did fit in. If you've read previous entries then you'll know that video games are a big part of my life. Judge me however you wish. They make me happy and not many things in this world do. I have to hold onto these things because I haven't got much else. My Dad had a Super Nintendo, that was the first console I ever played. I was eventually given my Nintendo 64 for Christmas, 1996. I still think today, that's the best present I've ever had. It's my favourite console and I have so many memories. The console, the games, my grandmothers' room. I would trade anything to be able to go back and re-do all that again. Life was pretty basic for me growing up. It was school > video games/tv shows > sleep.
High school was scary for me. I can still remember our school visit to my next school, when I was in Year 6. It was terrifying. I think I took most things people told me quite literally when I was younger. People had told me stories about bully's putting kids heads down toilets and all that. You know the usual stuff. Obviously isn't true but it's just something people say to spook people I guess. High school was always a mixed bag for me. I do often wish I could go back and right a few wrongs. I made a few friends towards the end of Year 7. One I am still proud to call my best friend to this day. His name is Adam and he's a great guy. I'm so privileged and blessed to have grown up with him and to be the best man at his wedding was one of the proudest days of my life. He introduced me to Warcraft, a game we still play to this day. He was a real ladies man in school. He went through girls like pints of water. I never ever had a girlfriend in high school. Not because I'm unattractive or repulsive but I guess nobody took me seriously enough because I was often making jokes and goofing around. People saw me as the funny guy and I enjoyed being the funny guy. I did get pretty jealous of my best friend and often wished that some girls would start paying attention to me. Most of my friends were losing their virginity at the age of 14-15. I didn't lose mine until I was 19. Not that it was a competition or anything! I wouldn't say I was great at school. I was good at English, I'm good with computers so ICT was a breeze and I developed a passion for Drama.
From Year 8 to the end of Year 9 (I would have been about 13 or 14 at this point) I got bullied in high school horrendously. To the point where I had several people removed from the school because of the things they were doing to me. Obviously that made things worse. I used to go out inline skating (rollerblading) with a group of friends and I bumped into them a few times and they absolutely battered me. I can still remember coming home one evening covered in blood. I had some really bad run ins with a few people. I always knew that if they were alone and it was just us, I would tear them apart, but they were never alone. There was always at least 8 of them, and they weren't afraid to dig in. I just used to accept the beat down they were going to give me. It became routine. It did eventually get to the point where I had written a suicide note. I couldn't take it anymore and wanted everything to end. I can't remember who it was but somebody found the note and before I knew it, my parents had me going to all sorts of places. I don't really remember what it was. Some sort of therapy I guess. It was strange. I can remember them treating me as if I had special needs, it was just horrible. I can remember begging my mum to stop bringing me there because it was making me worse. My final meeting I had was some conversation about life and the future. I can remember being asked what I wanted to do or what I wanted to be when I grew up. I didn't really know what to say. I had never thought about it much in depth. I was obsessed with Nintendo when I was a kid. I always wanted to work for them in some capacity. I never knew how or what but I knew I loved them and they made me happy. Then it hit me, that's what I wanted. I wanted to be happy. I didn't answer the question originally until the man said "Edward? What do you want to be when you grow up?" and I sort of looked up and said "Happy". It sounds cringy and emo and I totally agree, it is. But it was honest, it was the truth. These guys had beaten me to my knees. I never knew about guys like this until I went to high school. I didn't know that people could be such pieces of shit and enjoy inflicting pain and misery upon people. They almost ruined me. I was diagnosed with clinical depression at the age of 15.
We had to choose what subjects we wanted to study as of Year 9. I chose Double Science (Most people did, the block for that subject was pretty bad), Drama, History, Japanese and Music. At this point I still wasn't really sure what I wanted to do. My passion for drama grew stronger and I was leaning towards acting more. I don't really remember why I took history, I think it was honestly because my friends did, same with Japanese. Music was a bizarre choice too because I didn't actually play any instruments. I flunked the entire music class and showed up on the day of the exam with a Stereophonics CD, I sang "Maybe Tomorrow" and I walked out with an A*. Drama and Music were the only subjects that I excelled in and walked out with a good grade.
Roundabout this time I noticed my parents relationship deteriorating and they were sleeping in different bedrooms. My dad had a very bad temper when I was younger and he hit me a couple of times. He didn't dare hit me after I turned 16 because he knew I'd get him back. Him and my mum fought a lot. Sometimes to the point where she would take me and my sister and we would go and stay with my auntie or my grandmother for a day or two. It was chaotic. My dad isn't a bad man, not by a long shot. My dad is a misunderstood man. He dies by the sword. He'll do anything for his family. Maybe not because he wants to, but because he has to. My relationship with my dad is poor. He never bothered with me as a child and it's too late now. But we love each other. He would do anything for me and I know that. I guess I'm just a bit resentful that we never played catch or he never came to watch me play football or any of that stuff. The dream father/son stuff, you know? I would want to do everything with my kids. It eventually came to light that my mum had cheated on my dad. My dad apparently got revenge at some point later on. I don't know the full details and frankly, don't want to. I wish my parents could be happy together. I've mentioned them in previous entries. They watch the same TV channel and if you stand on the stairs in this house, you can hear both TV's in unison. One downstairs in the front room, and one upstairs in my mum's bedroom. It's heartbreakingly sad. I feel like they stayed together for me and my sister and they will continue to live in this house until they both die, and the house is passed down to me. I just want them to put themselves first and be happy, regardless of what happens.
From the age of 16-18 I completely screwed myself up. I wasn't working, I wasn't studying. I was merely existing. I was going nowhere. One of my longest, oldest friends died when we were 19. I touch on that in another article called "Local Boy In The Photograph". I met my ex girlfriend of 9 years at a festival that happens in this city every year. I feel like I fell in love with her the day that I met her. She was the most beautiful girl that I had ever seen. I was too shy to really talk to her. I walked home from the festival with her and her friend who I knew quite well. After we parted ways I messaged her on Facebook and asked her who her cute friend was. She told me her name and we got talking. We spoke a lot, about everything. Music, life, anything. She was in sixth form at the school I used to go to and eventually I decided to come back at the age of 19. I felt very embarrassed coming back and facing some of my old teachers again, especially in classes with people who were 16 or 17 years old. It didn't work out and I got scared and I dropped out before Christmas. I was mentally defeated. Me and my ex girlfriend became official on February 27th, 2011. She always knew how I felt about her and I knew how she felt about me, despite telling me that she felt she could never have a relationship. This was a real learning curve for me because I had never had a relationship before. I had little to no experience in women. She made me feel happy, she made me feel safe, she made me feel attractive. We were both each others' "first". She was an amazing girl and whilst I know this is my life and I'm trying to recount a lot of stories, opening stories relating to mine and her relationship won't be a good idea. Too many memories, both good and bad. I'll try and tell parts of it.
I knew I had to get a job. She eventually dropped out of sixth form too and took a job in some cleaning company. I worked at a depot for a bit before starting another job at Tesco. We broke up at some point in 2011 or 2012 and she moved to Bristol. I was gutted. I knew I had lost somebody special. We didn't talk for a long time until I eventually decided to go to Bristol and see her. We got back together and she eventually relocated here. We continued our relationship with many ups and downs, good times and bad. I was between jobs for a while until starting at the job I'm at now, where I've been since September 2015. We had another break up in 2016 and after five months, I believed that me and her would never be getting back together again. I decided to pursue somebody else to try and get over everything was happening and see how I would be in the company of somebody else. I slept with this girl and after 2 or 3 weeks I realised that it just didn't feel right and I put a stop to it. I was quite harsh about it but I knew it was the wrong thing to do. I eventually reconciled with my girlfriend and we moved in together in July 2017. Fast forward to April 2018, I'm making my first diary entry. I've hit rockbottom, I'm moving out of the flat I have with my girlfriend and moving back home with my parents. I'm at the world's end.
This is the lowest I have ever felt. EVER. I would never wish it upon anybody. I was plagued by such horrific thoughts. I woke up in the night shaking, sweating. I've never cried so much in my life. So many nightmares about sex, death, suicide. Even typing this up is scaring me a little. Packing my stuff and moving out of that flat was one of the saddest days of my life. I think if I had tried harder then I could have saved me and her but I think I knew deep down, it wasn't the right thing to do. The last time I saw her we were both crying in a hallway together, holding each other as tightly as possible. We knew it was over. She was trying to talk to me, begging me to look at her and say something. I wanted to but I couldn't. I was crying so much, gasping for air. That image has played in my head so many times as I've thought about all the things I could have said, and tried to change. I am extremely grateful to my parents for having me back. I knew my mother would always welcome me back with open arms. She loved my ex girlfriend to pieces but she never wanted me to leave home. They cleared out the spare bedroom for me and we threw a single bed in there and that became my bedroom for 4 months. I couldn't have my bedroom back because my sister had taken it. My parents never anticipated me moving back home. The first few weeks here were so weird. I've lived in this house for over 24 years but I felt like a complete stranger. I felt like this wasn't who I was anymore. I didn't belong here. I struggled to deal with everything for a very long time. My ex told me, less than a month after I moved back home that she was pursuing a new relationship and that really sent me spiralling. I understood why and she deserves happiness. I told her that I couldn't speak to her ever again and I had to block and remove her from all social media. It sounds petty, especially at the age of 27 but I'm obsessive. I would constantly check everything. Plus I couldn't risk her contacting me with the fragile state I was in. I don't remember our last conversation. I talked about ending my life and she told me that if I did that then she would likely end up doing that too, wracked with guilt. I want her to be happy. I'm not selfish enough to do this. I promised her I wouldn't. I'll never speak to her again but deep down, I know my heart does still beat for her. I was depressed for a very long time. Every night I went to sleep, I prayed it would be my last. That I would never have to wake up and deal with this pain anymore.
Moving back in with my parents. Ending a relationship of almost 9 years. It hit me like a train. What was my life? What was happening? Everything was just..fucked. A friend reached out to me and we devised a list of things I would do and try and achieve. It was make it or break it. I'm either going to become something, or fade away. The list involved me learning how to drive, going back to education, a trip to Sweden to visit some friends, finding a new job, lots of things. Fast forward to August 2018 and I've been and come back from Sweden. I start college in 2 weeks time. Resitting my GCSE's and eventually looking at University in Journalism/Creative writing. I'm starting to feel renewed. It's taken an extremely long time but I feel that I'm finally getting there.
I don't think I'll ever have another relationship though. That isn't me being dramatic. I'm speaking and thinking clearly. The appeal isn't there. I don't have a high sex drive and I'm not interested in dating. I can't manage my own happiness. I can't be responsible for somebody else's. I almost ruined both mine and my ex girlfriends life. I can't be so careless. I can't ever put myself in a position to get hurt like that again either. I never ever want to feel how I felt when I started this diary. It's haunting and it's relentless. I just don't think I'll ever meet somebody I care about enough that I think, "This is it. I really love you. I want a family with you. I want everything". It's just not realistic. I had my chance and I blew it.
I'll be amazed if anybody ever reads this and if you do, please don't ever give up. No matter how bad it is. Don't quit. We all make mistakes, we all screw up. It's life. We have to be accountable of our actions. Don't engulf yourself in guilt, shame, regret and self loathing like I did.
The world is a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are. It will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done.
Forgive yourself. I promise, you can get through this.
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