JustAGirl

The break up
2018-08-23 15:01:31 (UTC)

the silent treatment

It was emily the last girl that finally opened my eyes to what drew was.

The silent treatment would be one of his favorite tacktics to upsetting me. I had always written it off as he didnt know how to communicate, and i'd try to approach each situation 1000 different ways. But in the end. I would always get the same result...

Silence.


And here is where i went wrong.

When it first started happening i would message a few times, and give up. I'd give it a few days, and then communicate, and i'd always forgive the i am sorry.

But as time went on, and i kept trying to change my approach of communication the silent treatments got worse... And so did i.

And worse so did the anxiety.

I'll never forget the day i crashed my car, because i couldnt breath in my own house. I was so tired of it being "us" but instead it was me living to please him, while he lived to do whatever he wanted to.

I must have messaged dozens of times.

Then there was nights where i messaged hundreds of times, sent him videos of me trying to talk to him, and of course crying because i was so upset. I'd call him on every social media device, and message him on each too.

But why.. Why was i trying so hard to get him to understand my feelings, why was i trying to figure out what i was doing wrong.. Why was i trying so hard to get him to love me.. And why did i allow it.

For years it was always the same results always.

He wanted something, I communicated my feelings and he'd shut down and do it anyway.. And i'd try a million different ways to compromise or explain why it was wrong. And instead he'd ignore me.. For hours, days, or even weeks. Until eventually he'd come back and say sorry. Sorry he shouldnt have done it.. Sorry he understood why i was upset but couldnt see it then.. sorry i felt the way i did.. But a couple weeks later we'd be right back where we were.


When otis died, it hurt so bad. And getting the call from my aunt that my grand mother was dying, and i would have to break it to my mother was incredibility difficult. my mom had been sober for about a month by then. And i was worried it was going to cause a set back ( and it did)

This last winter was hard, time was less and less, and always with excuses.. He didnt feel comfortable going to my sons swimming, he was tired, he should get to relax on weekends. always excuses why we couldnt spend time together. But the weekend it all went to shit. I felt like i was done.

Otis had died, and he was coming over. He was more then a hour late.. But honestly i was just glad he came. he left early that night and i asked him to please come saturday. I hadnt known my grandmother was most likely going to died that weekend, that call came saturday morning. When i found out i asked him to please come that night and he said he wouldnt. He was going out with his "friends" ( which now i believe is lies and instead it was a girl..)

I begged him all day, I left voice messages, i tried compromising, take me with, see me after, please do something but i need you. I was upset i was mad.. i;d always been there for him. Why couldnt he be there for me.
please can i go with
please talk to me
please understand i am not ok
please understand ive told my mom ( and now shes drinking)
please see me after
please call me
please dont go
please come
please i just need you to hold me

and he ignored me all day, and i broke i snapped i did..

i called hundreds of times, texting so many, left voicemails, called from face book instagram, snap. my anxiety was so high, and i felt alone. and instead the one man whos supposed to love me is out with his friends, while my world is crashing.

I finally had enough and said if you choose to do this i am done, because this isnt fair. He wasnt willing to compromise not even a little... i offered him so many different choices, and instead the only thing he wanted was to do what made him happy..

How can a person have a good time, knowing their "partner" is home breaking alone?!?!

And he said he was done, and we were done, and i said fine.. but dont expect me to wait and be stupidly loyal as i had all the years before. And he did what he wanted..

i cant wrap my head around loosing my best friend, my grand mother, my moms sobriety, and my boyfriend all in the same weekend.. And understand how i still loved him even then.. i never looked at my self as having low self esteem.. ever.. i;ve always just been me..

But when he apologized i forgave him.. even after that.. And still i still looked at him like the sun and the moon rose with him.. And honestly.. I hate myself for it.




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