2018-08-22 05:37:52 (UTC)


Frustration has been reaching its max lately, over a video game.
I never used to lose my temper over gaming. Only my brothers usually did. For some reason, I've been completely losing it and feeling worthless about losing any game. I'm not a competitive person at all, so why do I hate losing so much? Even acknowledging the thought of being competitive pisses me off. As long as I can remember I have enjoyed teams and cooperation way more.
It dawned on me that maybe the reason why I get so pissed off is because of weakness (for lack of a better term). Maybe every time I am killed, defeated, or suffer a loss - it just reminds me once again that there are people better than me. People who have better skills at a video game. No one will ever be the best at anything because someone will always be better. I've find myself in more custom games in Overwatch and chilling with random strangers online.
My disbursement refund came in but I'm not telling my family anything. I hate telling them when I have money because they try to hold me responsible for it. I'm 21 fucking years old. There's no reason I should be receiving unwarranted "financial advice" from any one of my relatives. For once, I want to ride that high horse. I'm going to be the first in my family to receive a degree and I cannot wait to start my life fresh. It's going to be pretty great. I've listed all the things that motivate me in my phone Notes. I'm starting to use my phone a lot more for reminders and events. Funny how cutting off social media pressures me more to make actual plans with other people. I've set each of my device backgrounds to my dreams. I even discovered Honey's Travel Rewards today and the thought of going across country excited me so much.
After meeting Miguel (Amir's friend), I'm really convinced that there can be not-dramatic people who can exist. Everyone always has someone they want to talk shit about. Miguel was cool the entire time. I should definitely get to know him in the future.
On another note, I've started rereading the Harry Potter series. The feeling of having a book in my head is oddly refreshing. It's no wonder my classmates always buy the hardcover copies of books. And they think I'm weird for always getting the online text or e-link. My favorite spell would probably be Finite Incantatem, as its general ability to counter/disable any current magic would be a really fun buzzkill. Also, one of my favorite scenes is when Luna finds Harry's petrified body and uses that exact spell to unfreeze him. Why am I such a nerd? I'm several years late on the Potter hype.
I can't wait to buy food and eat it tomorrow just because. I also need to save my money a bit.