Ad 2:
2018-08-21 22:45:34 (UTC)

no-thing in the head

"Nobody" by Mitski

My god, I'm so lonely
So I open the window to hear sounds of people
Sounds of people
Venus planet of love
Was destroyed by global warming
Did its people want too much too?
Did its people want too much?
And I don't want your pity,
I just want somebody near me
Guess I'm a coward
I just want to feel alright
And I know no one will save me
I just need someone to kiss
Give me one good honest kiss and I'll be alright
Nobody nobody nobody
Nobody nobody nobody
Nobody nobody nobody
I've been big and small
and big and small
and big and small again
And still nobody wants me
Still nobody wants me
And I know no one will save me
I'm just asking for a kiss
Give me one good movie kiss and I'll be alright
Nobody nobody nobody
Nobody nobody...

August 21, 2018 Tuesday 10:45 PM

Lower back hurts from a combination of exercise and bending over to scrub the kitchen counter, and if that isn't the problem of a notoldnotyoung generation, I don't know what is. Of course I am young, though. But I can imagine this kind of issue becoming more frequent the more often I am in the presence of a kitchen counter.

I haven't felt anything for a bit. Kind of feel miscarried, but somehow in the self. I like activities which require my body and which require discipline and which are incidentally wrought with bearable pain. Like exercising. And cleaning. Because those things make my brainspace smaller, which is good, because otherwise all that space would fill up with air or stalagmites and tug me up, pull me down, whichever whatever not a direction I want to be.

This way I am kind of in the world, if out of step. When I speak to people I sense a distance from them, and it feels new even though it is not. Sometimes things flow more easily, although I don't know when. I don't really know what I am or what I've been this whole time, when I think about it. I act as if I've been happy, but if I think really hard I don't think I have. I have been neutral. It is in no particular pattern that I can see. Anyway, I don't need to be happy. I just need to be Not Super Distressed all the time. Neutral sounds pretty good to me.

Right now feels pretty good to me. Even though I feel tired and far away. Conversations stilted when I don't fill up the silence, and I realize it might be them accountable—not me—but it is so frequent in my familiar interactions that it makes me think that the opposite is more likely. It's my doing that conversations with good friends are suddenly weird. I think it is because where I usually fill up the space with babble I've gone quiet. Not on purpose, I just don't have anything to say. Any dribbling concepts I get out feel very effortful. I was talking to Caroline yesterday and there were frequent silences where usually there are none. Giving me space to rant manically about music and TV the way I usually do. It was hard for me to do that, however. I tried, but I got bored with my own sound. How long have I been like this, speaking so energetically and aggressively, that the people I love have fallen into that pattern? And is it bad that they can't make up that lost space? Should I be quiet more???

Lol, I guess I am constipated in the head. But it doesn't really feel like I am pent up, actually. it just feels like nothing is there. Unoccupied.
Maybe I've subconsciously decided to pull my emotions into stasis in between Goose Moving Out and Me Moving Back to School. One of those awkward temporal spaces where nothing can happen, so you just wait. I get restless with inactivity even though I see myself as very sleepy and inactive in the mind—I need to be productive. These inbetween times get me kind of anxious usually, but I dunno. I am doing okay.

I think all of my thoughts are stopping halfway. Sitting down in the road to rest. Directed at the self: Ok boys, lil thought bois, my babies and kind and well-intentioned creature things, which hurt me and love me and also probably hate me.
Sit down; if needed, rest. I guess for now I'll do the same.