All that is
I started a new job last week. ..
I started a new job last week. They've given me a sexy looking accommodation and a nice salary to go with it.
I'm fretting about whether to hire wlm.
I think i'm in love with him. I have to find a way to lessen my attachment towards him. He says that I'm free to do what i like. that i can at any time i want decide i want the nature of our relation ship to chnage. for instance i could decide that i just want us to be friends and we can stop the physical. and that what ever i decide he will be here. that he's not going anywhere.
But thats not fair and he fucking knows it. What does that do? It puts me in a position where asking for what i want now seems unreassonable. It gives the illusion of fairness. of a balanced dynamic. Whereas he know sit's his decision. and then if he wwants to stay he needs to accommodate that
but the sex is sooo good. like tonight i'm on this 'i wont call him back, i wont talk to him, he should call me first.' but when i think of how good it is with him i want to b liek fuck it. like i think of him way too often right now, considering the apparent disparty in the intensity of our feelings for eachtoehr. like i think of him all the time. whne i have a free day like saturday or friday i plan it around him in my mind. i automattialclay wawnna wait to confirm other social plans in case he asks to do something or he's free and wants to come around. that's ridiculous. because of course he never ever calls to ask me whether i want to do anything that ngiht. he just calls around 7 or 8 or 9 and asks what im up to. i know it's not quite booty call routine or hours but it''s still ufair as it assumes that i'm likely available. and i susually am. if there's anything social happening i invite him. but he never does the same. i think the straw was this weekend just gone. he left my palce on saturday morning/afternoon. i asked him waht was happening that evening, whether he was up to anything and he said he might be going to the wedding. I was like 'are u allowed to bring a plus one' and he said 'he'll find out' then muttered on about something else - somethng he does when he doesnt watnt to disucssa topic that's been looming. anyway he said he;ll ask and we'll talk later in the evening. he gives the impression that we'll probs do something, and even says he may not even go to the wedding that he's undecided. either way i'm confused as to how he can't see that i just want ot spend time wtih him regadless of where we are. anyway he leaves eventually and i low key look forward to hearing from him, and i even let myself imagine us going to this wedding reception together, him in a blue suit, me in my white velvet dress. then i wait and wait and eventually head to the cinema with uzo and then we plan to go to tobis house after for his bday. but we end up feelingtoo tired so just goes hom. at this point it's about 10/11 and i haven't heard from him whatsoever. then i wake up and soo that i have a missed call from him at 2:45 am in the morn. and then i see a text he left me at 3:27am with the nausea face emoji. i figre he's drank too much and that he's feeling sick. i fall aslpee. suday comes and im at football and i don't hear from him once. then i head home and still no word. anyway evening comes and i even start getting woried cos its unusual of him to not holla. and even tho i see him online, i don't hear from him on sunday. monday comes and around midday i hear from him was i'm buyinh my lunch at hubmart. his msg says 'hows the day going' i read it but don't respond. then i hear from him in the evening around 10ish when the last few colleagues that came for dinner are just here. i answer it and we talk. then i ask him what happened on saturday and he says he went to the wedding reception and he kind of says it again this time a little more sheepishly. like i can tell that he knows the tension. then as i'm listening he says he wasn't sure what he ate and implied food poisoning, not sure whether it was an attempt at explaining his silence throughout the entire sunday. then i tell him i have to go that i'll cal lhim back. then alsmot 2 hours pass by and when i still havent called him back i get a text from him saying 'you ok?'' and then i call him and explain that the last of my colleagues have just about to leave and i'll call him after. exceptt hey don't quite leave for another 30 mins or 45 mins so by the time i have my house back to myself, it's about 1:30 am. so its too late. i deliberate texting dfni to say 'it's too late urprobs asleep call u tomorw' then i think wtf he didn't do that, so i won't. then i just fall asleep. then i call him today around half 11am. and he's at the gym. he was panting and he was like 'im holding people up' then i say yea talk to you later' so later on, he calls me aoround 2:50pm or so and i don't see it until 30 mins later. but i decide not to call back. since i'm gonna be busy tonight, i already have something i'm doing. so unless he's gonna call me to propose we do something together, i'm not gonna bother calling him back. if he calls me again i'll answer it and let him talk. if he says what are u doing tonight, i'll say 'im not sure yet'. then again he never asks me that question. perhaps its cos i always ask it first. dunno. he would have texted if he was trying to do something. Which reminds me i better arrange a date for tonight
he hasn't even contacted me to ask me what i'm doing this evening.
we rarely go out places too. like he'll never say lets go here or to this bar etc.
sometimes he'll make some related remark like 'we like organic, let's let it happen organically' obvsiouly referencing us. as if i'm suggesting we move in togeher. when i merely ask him what the fuck we're doing with eachother. we've konwn eachother since may. it's now august. he responds with that same answer about not wanting to commit to anything right now cos he neds to focus 100% on his business startup. I guess i just find it hard beleive that when someone sees something they want, they would want to keep it at arms lenght that they wouldnt want to claim that thing before someone else does. i read something that said that when you know that someone is going to be your final stop or when u know that someone is serious you woulndt want to enter into something with them until you're ready. kind of like okai and i. but maybe that's different cos okai likes me and hes the serious one, whereas i just like him as a distraction from dfni. what's lacking right now is a distraction so that i can spread my attention more thinly. the trouble is that right now dfi is getting most of it. or all of it pretty much. so i need to slow down til he catches up if at all. i need to slow down. apparently my pace is too inorganic for him. his pace is what is organic. the only def there is too. so let me move at his own pace. i wont call him. he'll call me. i won't ask him what he's doing in the evening or over the weekend. he'll ask me. i won't explain long silences or MIAs. i'll end every phone conversation. i have to do it normally too. like it can't be obvs that it's cos of saturday.
he says he's asking me for more time. But i feel It's a way of barganing that keeps me in my current position for longer.