Scream Above the Sounds
Redesign, rebuild, reclaim II
I feel woken.
I'm not sure what it is. I mean don't get me wrong. Depression never really leaves you. Not for good. It's often referred to as "The black dog". I will always have these dark feelings. Don't get it twisted, there's nothing I'd like more than to be in the ground, and for weeks I was getting closer to ending my life. My life changed SO drastically and I couldn't find anything important enough or something I considered worth living for. It sounds very selfish but it's the truth. These thoughts still do plague my mind every so often but I'm trying my hardest to change my outlook and perspective. I'm slowly getting there.
I've had to take a step back and realise what I've got. I know that I am very lucky in lots of ways. Most things that have happened in my life recently are down to me. I don't want sympathy. This isn't about that. It's just about me taking stock of my life and moving forward in the best possible way that I can. I had been living like an idiot and I deserved every bit of it. I'm at the point now where I have forgiven myself for my behaviour. That doesn't make it inexcusable but it means I can finally let go now. None of it matters anymore and it's just a part of my life that will be locked away forever. For the best.
I'm super excited to study. I know it's going to be a massive reality check for me, because I'm so used to having my weekdays free and just working on the weekends. I can't wait to start working towards something and having more of a social life and hopefully finding SOME happiness. I just want to be a better person. I want a purpose in life. I've always said that life is futile and I still stand by that. It's true. But life is also what you make of it. We're all going to die. Do what makes you happy!
I'm going to do what makes me happy now and eat unhealthy food, drink pepsi and watch the rest of SummerSlam.