Scream Above the Sounds
Somebody asked me tonight, 5 things that I love in this world. Aside from family, money and all that stuff.
2) Video Games
4) Pro Wrestling
Guilty pleasures are another one too. Whether its songs or a film or something like that. I have plenty but an example would be two films in particular. 13 going on 30 and How To Lose A Guy in 10 days, I have no shame. They're funny films! Another guilty pleasure is the song "Spotlight" by Jennifer Hudson. I think I listened to that 5 times on my lunch tonight. Again, no shame. It's a great song.
I thought I should point out that Disaronno is Amaretto, for people who aren't sure. I thought it was very popular but I've introduced so many people to it. It's a great drink. It's so punishing though, it tastes like Dr Pepper. I go through it like it's water and before I know it, I'm hammered. I feel like I've got stuff to say this morning but I don't really know where to begin. I say "this morning", it's 6:30am. I just finished work. Let's start there I guess.
Work was okay. Very different tonight. My manager was back who I hadn't seen in about six weeks. It was great to see him again, we always have such a laugh. It's crazy to think how much I disliked him at first and now we're actually quite close. He was an absolute nightmare to begin with but I guess I've just gotten used to his ways now. Do as he says, not as he does. Words to live by regarding my manager. But yeah, it was different tonight. Most people (including myself) were put on different departments and areas. I was put on department 4 which is lingerie and all that stuff. I'm pretty bad on that department. I've hardly ever worked there so I haven't got a clue where anything is and when it comes to bra sizes, I don't even know where to begin. It's just a farce. Work went really quick tonight and then after my last break, it came to a grinding halt and the last hour and 45 minutes were such a drag. I'm so glad to be home. My supervisor told me that it's going to be worse tonight and that we're down several members of staff, so that'll be something to look forward to....
Outside of work, not much is really happening. I'm pumping a lot of hours into the WoW expansion and enjoying what little free time I have left until college comes calling and I have to get my shit together. I think I really upset one of my friends earlier today. I say "friends". I have an interest in her, romantically I guess. She's the girl from Holland that I've mentioned in previous entries. Just before I went to Sweden, I decided to distance myself from her because I guess I finally faced the cruel reality that whatever I wanted to have with this girl was more or less impossible. Even if she did want it too, it would be too hard to maintain a really good relationship. I've really been thinking clearly lately and realising that I need to put myself first and most of all, put myself in realistic situations. My eyes are open. I can see clearly now, the rain has gone etc. Anyway, she messaged me today and we got talking about the new WoW expansion and things like that. I asked her how she was doing outside of the game, life etc. Actually important things. I told her things were good for me, which isn't totally true but I'm not doing as bad as I was so...it's a start. I told her I was looking at life a bit more positively. She said she was happy for me. I then apologised for being distant with her and that I had missed her. She said "Was there a reason for you to be distant?" and I said yeah. I didn't want to lie or make excuses. I didn't really want to tell her but I opened the door so I knew I'd have to tell her how I was feeling. She asked what it was and I told her it was nothing and that it was just me being stupid, which it kinda is. I was stupid to think that something would actually come of it. She jokingly said "You met another! am I replaced?! Biiiiitch!" which did make me laugh. How I wish that was true though, I wish she was replaced. That sounds worse than intended. I guess what I mean is, I wish I didn't feel the way I do about her. I value her a lot and her friendship means a lot to me. She nagged so I eventually said; "I feel quite attached to you. I thought about you quite a bit when I was in Sweden and even when people bring up relationships or seeing somebody, you're the only person who comes to mind. It's just sad, haha". It is sad. I told her I thought distancing myself from her would help the feelings fade.
They haven't though. The thing is, I'm not even looking for a relationship or somebody to fill some sort of apparent void in my life. It's actually really hard for me to be intimate with someone. I really have to like and trust that person. JD's scrubs quote comes to mind. "I'm pessimistic, I'm obsessive, I'm insecure and I am so afraid of intimacy that every one of my relationships is a journey of self-sabotage that inevitably ends in a black vacuum of shattered expectations and despair."
People talk about relationships and having somebody in your life, like it's the "be all and end all". It's important for people to have their own space and work on themselves too. Something I desperately need to do. I'm way too erratic, self destructive and emotionally unstable for anything, maybe ever again. I feel a relationship is probably the worst thing for me but there's just something about her. I would literally drop everything for her and that's pretty frightening right? I think it would be a different story if she lived around here but, she doesn't. She asked me if I wanted to keep distancing myself from her. I told her no. It hasn't helped, continuing won't do much and I do miss her being around. She told me she was sorry for not being a good friend to me. I'm not sure why she said that. She has been a very good friend to me. She helped me through so much when I broke up with my ex and moved home. She'll never understand how much she helped me and changed my perspective and outlook on things. Part of me hopes she'll find this, read it and smile, just so she sees how much I value her and how she has helped. That's pretty much it though. I told her that I'll always her friendship and I'll always be around if she needs me. She then messaged me about 2:30am whilst I was working and just said "Goodnight, sleep well" which I thought was sweet. I don't really know where me and her go from here though. Just friends I guess. It might be for the best.
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