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2018-08-17 11:41:28 (UTC)

forgive her, lack of sleep

"Midnight Nothing" by Radiator Hospital [I loooove the lyrics in this song, love the conversational style too. Reminds me vaguely of Moby for some reason—nothing to do with the style of the song, more the content]

Me and Annie were sittin' in a car and we were playin' the tape you made. There were some songs I wouldn't've chosen but all-in-all we both agreed it was pretty great. We weren't really talking about anything; we felt pure and unadulterated. I would forget why we were laughing, and she would forget what we came to the car for.

I thought I saw you the other day. That was in the park by your old job. Ain't it funny how the city keeps beating on after we're long gone? You used to say you were too pretty for the place. Yeah, that night you said a lot of dumb things. You were as soft as I always wondered.

And I always wondered
What you were like
When you were younger.
What were you like?
I always wondered
What you were like
When you were younger.
What were you like?

I saw your eyes that night, they looked like empty pools of light, they looked like diamonds, and they were
trying to tell me something. They said nothing. It was a little after midnight when the first few drops fell.
Did you feel them honey,

Or did you feel nothing?
Did you feel nothing?
Did you feel nothing?
Did you feel nothing?

And I'm forgetting faster than I ever thought I could
I learned that I could give up trying to do good
And the stars out here shine pretty, they are numerous and pure
I never cry, I never scream, I know I should

August 17, 2018 Friday 9:56 PM

Hard to gauge how I feel, lol. I am not running on much sleep. I developed a sudden onset migraine last night so I took a full dose of my overthecounter stuff within a half hour of it's start, and after a couple hours I felt it fade off. And then I fell asleep around midnight. Woke up at 3:30 AM to pee and I couldn't get back to sleep after that. Kept getting haunted by anxious thoughts even though I didn't even really feel particularly anxious—just exhausted. Took a walk, got back around 5:15 in the morning, attempted sleep again because my body and my eyes felt fuzzy. Still nothing. I went to the gym an hour after that, stayed until around 7 AM, came back, showered, got dressed, did my makeup, made myself a 1/4 cup of muesli with fruit, drank my 10 oz of coffee, and was done with all that by 8. Left at 9:30 AM to get a bagel and at work started to feel deliriously exhausted and my eyes stung from my contacts. Got some more coffee a little before noon, drank a lot a lot a lot of water.

Deeply bored. Was bored when I was running on the treadmill this morning. My legs hurt, but at the time I was doing it I couldn't tell if I was tired or just annoyed with the monotony. The rhythmic deep inhale through the nose, out through the mouth like you're blowing on a candle. Feet: right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left. Background whir of machinery and the view out the Nelson of a sprawling green lawn between there and the auditorium. All shining bright and very, very, very dull.

Thoughts are slow. I'm lonely. I feel bad I don't feel bad. Waiting for life to start back up again. Don't really wanna do anything, don't wanna do nothing. Not tired enough to fall asleep, have lowgrade fear that I'll never be tired enough to sleep ever again—perpetually inbetween exhaustion and actually slow wave REM fuckery whatever. Not better than nightmares, would much prefer the mild terror to very insistent and rhythmic and dull right, left, right, left, right, left of Tired But Awake in the cool dark of morning, the morning where it is not quite morning, where it is verging nothing open not even your eyes but everything starting up like light. Don't like.

Can't tell where I've gone now, thoughts kinda spiraled and I'm bored of this again. It's ok, I'll just be back to rant about the same thing later, I think every entry is me ranting about the same thing, I think everything is always the same.

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