Eel

Unraveling

Today I woke up without realizing that I made several plans on the same day.
So my morning began with an upset call about how I should stop flaking without warning. Then an old coworker called me to tell me there's a party going on today, and apparently everyone's expecting me to be there, but because I don't have social media anymore the invitation flew right on by. I had already made plans with a friend, and I've flaked on him multiple times, promising him that I wouldn't on this very day. Except now I have no excuses and I'm super fucked.

I installed Tinder and Bumble. Worst mistakes of my life.
Every date I've been on, I've failed to keep Hassan out of my head. People keep telling me to move on. If moving on is so fucking easy then everyone should do it for me. Like, move on past my life and stop worrying about who I date or don't date. But everyone still sucks. Relationships are still the worst concept in the world. I used to be that kid that thought polyamory was disgusting but now I can see why people do it. Maintaining a relationship is like taking care of your own person. I can't even properly take care of myself. How am I supposed to do that for someone else?

Each time I hookup with someone, I immediately always regret it afterwards. Not because the date was bad, or because there was no chemistry, or they're unattractive; it's because I literally have no interest in dating or hooking up. Sex is not even that appealing anymore. I just want to make a stupid amount of money, working at a job I love, and love myself for it. College is starting up in 10 days and I am dreading every single second. I only have a year left until I graduate but that year could not come soon enough. I broke my self-repair streaks so many times already. I don't have the energy to restart.

I'm unraveling. I have no energy to be with anyone, anywhere, or do anything at any time. But anywho (heh) I have to keep putting one foot in the front of the other. Despite the fact that I don't even know where I'm going.