Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2018-08-17 22:00:55 (UTC)

I get self destructive

I wish I could say I've kept up the good vibes since this morning but I haven't been there all day entirely . right now I feel in a fragile state of mind that's either easily breaking or abut to break.

for the first time in awhile I'm terrified of humans. how we all have this serrated side that comes out when you try to uncover our inner workings of the mind. it's all under the hood but please lets keep the hood down'

my metaphors don't make sense. I don't makes sense.
he knew that.
I can feel that bad blood growing and shrinking between us and I don't like it I don't like it at all. Because I'm usually the master of taking a bad misunderstanding and making things right but the understanding between us right now is too close to the truth to be wrong and it just hurts.
and I want to make things right but I just don't think that's gonna happen.
we aren't dating. anymore. and I'm unsure of who decided that. I was just following his lead. Because he was pulling away. Because all of my red flags being too much. Or maybe he was just unsure of me. and my liking him. and me being too much.

I think maybe I never made room for his insecurities. I was so afraid of him not liking me back that I only made space for myself in the relationship. And he didn't push on that too much. That's where I feel I'm an idiot.

That, and also how I could be callous with things. He'd try and initiate contact at work or flirt or just do something because he had this energy always there and I couldn't recioupricate because my emotions go on and off like a faucet and mostly I was just afraid. Because usually I don't trust people think of me continuously as the same person and I forget to think of them that way too. And I forgot that maybe he doesn't know that and maybe I've stepped on his feelings a bit too much.

But more than all this, it was a real thing, the thing we had(have) and it's a good thing neither of us want to decimate. So maybe put it aside now and hope for a tomorrow that allows for something.

You know, last year I would've been kicking myself so much for not being in the place I need to be with life. How, if id' just stayed in college and did the growth I needed to do on myself I could be in a spot where relationship making with this guy would be so fun and easy and heck maybe we could get married if things were that healthy.

But, and he and I had discussed this, he's trying to live his best life. I said I am trying too, but what's true is I used to want to.
And I'm done with that. I'm just living the life I'm showing up for. I don't even want to live my best life. I just want to live a life that's mine.
And that's okay. And I feel fine.

I don't even want to live my best life. I just want to live the life I'm showing up for.
And I'm showing up for this. Emotions. honesty. platonic complexities. Respect for humankind. And diminishing the callousness and cynicism of the world, day by day.
Amen.




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