2018-08-15 16:25:50 (UTC)

"Terrible Love (Alternate ..

"Terrible Love (Alternate Version)" by The National

August 15, 2018 Wednesday 4:28 PM

I dunno when/what my last entry was. The days have been, eh. I've been quite moody, so it is kind of hard to tell what I'll be by the time I go to sleep. I've had nightmares pretty much every night and I keep showing up about 2 hours late to work... which is fine because I am not really required to be there so early but it will put a dent in my paycheck. This morning I jolted awake when the bus in my dream tipped over a ramp and we all (pretty much everyone I loved. I sat next to my sister) plunged into deep water. All the windows were closed but the bus was, like, immediately full and I couldn't move. I think I was strapped down.

I am mildly distressed about my current condition but eh. Mostly just living day to day as the caricature of a person. I said something to that effect at Lancelot's yesterday, and he said, "You are, in fact, human." I told him I'd had trouble sleeping (it's been taking a long time. On Sunday night I just could not for the life of me sleep. I finally passed out around 6 AM and was 2 hrs late to work as a result lmao). I also haven't been eating very much. Partly by choice. My body gets very hungry but I just refuse to feed it sometimes. I want it to be hungry. I figure I will also lose weight (even though I've already lost like 5lbs this summer), which is a plus. So there. I've been eating around once a day in the evenings. Today I ate lunch. I felt better, felt like indulging myself.

When I told Lancelot about all this, he was like, "Those are human things and it is concerning that they're not as regular as they should be." I didn't tell him about the suicidal thoughts, just told him I had some troubling thoughts? I don't know how he would react, but I imagine he'd be pretty trustworthy. Wouldn't force me to take time off from school or anything. Still, I was kind of worried he wouldn't—believe me? I am always scared people won't believe me about these things. Probably a parental thing. My dad didn't really believe me for a long time, and if my mom did she wasn't sure how to proceed. But yeah, I think my dad even called me manipulative. Like I was doing it just to get what I wanted. I remember that because it was one of the most shocking and hurtful things someone has ever said to me. Maybe he was right—I don't know, it still really hurt. Wait. What? No. He wasn't right. I was a 13 year old kid. I didn't know what was going on. How could I have been expected to understand my emotions and express them in a healthier way without having been taught? God. I wasn't being manipulative, or at the very least I wasn't trying to be manipulative. I just wanted help.

The memory is out of context now, but I think I had been asking him to drive me to school or something. I was probably depressed and tired that day, and did not want to lug my 10 lb backpack for the 20 minute uphill walk to my high school lol. My dad did not like driving me to school if he could help it. I still think it is unfair, in retrospect, that he would be so vitriolic for that kind of request. Even if I was being really whiny and annoying (as tends to happen when I am depressed and tired and generally done with life). He never kept in mind that I had emotional problems. Whatever, it's fine. I am just trying to acknowledge that it maybe wasn't my fault that I am scared to verbalize my... discomfort, lol. I think I'd been shut down a lot as a kid (this being one example). I know I'm still a kid, but I'm referring to the time period around which I remember developing a lot of these behaviors, which was inevitably while I lived at home—because duh. I was developing in general.

Ya so. I don't know. Towards the end of our session Lance looked me in the eyeball and said, "Frankly, I think you're amazing," and I did the dead-spider curl up thing. It was an uncomfortable thing to hear.

neva gonna finish this so ima just post it~