Fruity

The Perfect Bubble Popped
2018-08-15 00:00:00 (UTC)

Day 13 of 407

Diary

Six Days. The sun went down for Six Days. I was trapped inside my own Darkness for Six Days. No one heard me screaming, they never do. They never will. It took six days for the sun to rise and when it did, I was more awake than I have been in years.

The Love of my Life showed up to work after two days off, I missed him. I hugged him as tightly as he would allow me to. For once, I lit up upon seeing him. Then he proceeded to tell me about the Tinder Date he had met up with on his off days. I should be disappointed or slightly hurt by it but I wasn't. A self-love poem popped into my head this morning as the sun rose and I haven't been able to think about much of anything else other than my own happiness. I danced my way around the house as I cleaned up. I hummed pop tunes as I read my new favourite book (Every Day by David Leviathan). In fact, I finally decided why I haven't started my blog yet, because of my lack of a decent camera. Which I plan to remedy on my birthday in three short months. My Blog will be reviews on books, movies, places I have been to. My experiences basically.

Tonight at work, I laughed for two hours straight. A small part of me felt terrible about the fact that The Love of My Life seemed to be having a bad day but I was over the moon with happiness. Also, he is flying up country next week for two days. A potential job awaits him with a two hour flight (an 18 hour drive) away. I've known about this potential job opportunity for months. I guess the race was always to see which one of us would leave our company first. I plan to resign in December, whether I find a new employment or not. But as the time draws nearer, I know my longing for him will not be reciprocated. And that, somehow, makes it easier to let go. I know that as soon as the plane takes off, whatever friends he made this side of the country will be forgotten and I will not be amongst the chosen few he will remember. I am merely an ego boost but if he gets this job, he will be surrounded by ego boosters. My role will become redundant.

I had a dream, late last night, I end up running away (as planned) and when my plane lands on his side of the country (as all planes do before flying internationally), I send him a message. I ask him to Come With Me. He doesn't respond but he sees my message. Then I wake up. I can't decide what's worse: him getting on the flight with me or not. I imagine my devastation when my plane takes me out of this wretched country for the last time, never to return, and he doesn't follow me. This is the most likely option. His entire life is here. And finally, FINALLY, his dream career is being offered to him on a silver platter, after years of working towards it.
Or, to my horror, he gets on the plane. In this version, he gets on the plane because he expects me to give him my body.
There is no version in which I win over his heart and he follows me because he wants to. He doesn't see me that way. He cannot. His life revolves around something I cannot willingly give him. Which is why I must have woken up, because neither one of the endings are something I can say that I want. I don't want to be forgotten but I don't want to be followed for anything but my heart.
People will tell me that I cannot know how he feels about me or how he would react, but I do know. When you spend enough time around someone, you know. I know because of the way I react around him. I don't laugh as carelessly, I don't speak as freely, I don't stand as boldly, I don't behave as bravely. I am a mere fraction of myself because he is a ticking time bomb. Anything and everything can set him off. By now, he must know he has not been exposed to the entirety of my being, my soul. That is the part that terrifies me the most, that if by some miracle, he chooses me, I will live my life pretending to be smaller, in every way.
I miss him when he is away from me for too long, I miss him with everything inside of me, but he is not good for me. And when in his presence, I want nothing more than to just look at him because once I start talking, I become the fractured person I must be around him. And that is not enough for me anymore.


xx
Fruity




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