2018-08-10 11:04:28 (UTC)


"Keep Your Eyes Ahead" by Helio Sequence [reminds me of when I first listened to this, April or May 2015 I think—it was right after I found out Elise died]

August 10, 2018 Friday 11:05 PM

I feel good! Yesterday I felt better and today is the same. Things are still mildly fucked. Last night I couldn't sleep and I cried a lot while I was trying. But I probably couldn't sleep because I've been sleeping too much lately. I also definitely had nightmares last night. The night before, I had this very long nightmare involving my family in a dilapidated house in the middle of the woods. All of my things were in this house and they were trying to help me move out, but we wouldn't be able to do it all in one day so they had to stay overnight. I spent the first part of the evening on the porch watching the dark woods and I was frozen with terror; I knew we wouldn't survive the night. My sister came out and listened to me ramble "We have to get out we have to get out" but I felt hopeless and panicked because I knew my dad wouldn't believe me if I tried to tell him. So Caroline picked me up and carried me down the street and I said, "What about mom and dad?" and she said she would call them but for now we should leave. For some reason, Caroline was a hawk and I was a crow, perched on top of her head. It made... no sense. So much of my dream was this agonizing waiting.

I think I also revisited an older nightmare that took place in an architecturally confusing mall, but that wasn't a huge part of it. The Caroline part of my dream made me feel a lot less terrified, though. It was comforting. I felt bad leaving my parents behind, but we knew it was the only way out. Which I am sure translates to my own feelings of resentment towards my parents in real life; the feeling that Caroline has been the more reliable protector and ally in my life, because they don't... know how to take care of us. I love my parents very much, though. I think I might call my mom after this, to check up on her.

I also don't hate myself as much. I am very surprised, but when I look in the mirror, I don't see what I saw a few days ago. On Tuesday, I was just a jumble of mismatched parts or something, but today in the mirror I am familiar and I am not ugly. I don't have those thoughts anymore, of No One Would Ever Want to Love Me and I Don't Deserve Anyone's Company I Am Awful and Abusive. I am so relieved, and at the same time, confused? Scared? I don't know how to manage myself. I don't want to be at the mercy of this. I'm scared I won't be able to get out. It'll just come back and I'm—at the whim of it. I can't control my thoughts when I'm in that deep hole.

I feel kind of stupid right now. I am trying to ignore that, though. I am okay.

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