2018-08-08 21:54:37 (UTC)

go to bed early and you talk to your pillow

"Whenever You See Fit" by 764-Hero & Modest Mouse

August 8, 2018 Wednesday 9:55 PM

I feel like Liv has become something of a bright spot in my life since she re-entered it. When she called me last week, it was just—so nice. At first it was kind of difficult for us to speak but she explained that she felt she had been depending on me too heavily emotionally and that it wasn't fair to either of us, really. There was more, but that's the gist, basically. I felt better—knowing that neither of us were really wrong. Especially knowing that I didn't do anything "wrong" in particular. I guess I was really scared of that.

I am also surprised with how happy I am to have her back. I didn't miss her at all. I thought about her, drunk-cried about her, but neither of those register as longing in my mind. I was extremely apathetic, content to let the situation continue as it was for as long as it needed to. To be fair, I always figured Liv would reach out to me eventually. Knowing Liv, it seemed like a temporary decision. Maybe that's why I didn't feel bad? God I hope. Because sometimes I really wonder if something is wrong—that I can't miss the people I have claimed to love. I mean, I know love isn't a constant feeling, but shouldn't you want to desire contact with people you've had long-term relationships with? (Relationships being in this case a general category). Like, the thing that disturbs me the most about the Moby situation is that I didn't realize I kind of loved him until after I broke up with him. I had no idea and then it hit me like a truck and it was just. Bad. I mean, I also think about all the embarrassing things I did to try and get over him or get him back (mostly consisted of telling him I like him and/or getting drunk) and that's pretty cringe-y but overall??? I am glad I tried. I am just.. confused when it comes to recognizing how I feel. I didn't realize I could have so many repressed emotions???? To me, it has always felt as if I know most things about myself, and that has been the agony: being fully aware of my emotions as they kind of ping-pong back and forth between neutral and depressed, lol.

I don't know. Apparently I don't always know how I feel. But how am I supposed to recognize when I do know and when I do not? Also—why don't I always know how I feel? My current theory (I was gonna say hypothesis but then I was like—hah. This is not science) is that I hate myself. Hahah. That's it. That's the extent of the theory, and it covers everything. I just hate myself, body n' mind. Ok so that's not super valid. It doesn't explain the why of itself. The only thing that explains why I hate myself is my fucked up personality/habits. Which sucks. It's deeply discouraging. Because this is who I am, and it's unhealthy. It has always been unhealthy. I've literally never coped in a positive way. Well, that's probably not true, but the majority of my life has been an accumulation of stress because I just. Don't know how to process it.

Lancelot talked about how he doesn't like pain but he goes through it, knowing it's necessary; he lets himself experience it. I laughed because I have never, ever been that way. Pain, as a kid, was so scary to me that I shied away from it at all costs. Except: well. When I was a toddler, I'd stay up for hours in the night standing either in my parent's bedroom or right outside it, wailing until one of them woke up and let me sleep in their bed. I just remembered that, haha. It's one of those things I repeatedly forget and remember every few years. I don't know if any of this was relevant, hahah.

Ok moving on, I guess. Lately I've been in a real shit mood. I thought it was lifting, but it has, in fact, become worse. I made a breakthrough in my suicidal thoughts, though; I've had particular problems in considering suicide because I feel that it brings up a lot of concerns that are difficult to solve if you are trying to maximize efficacy while also minimizing the negative emotional impact it will have on others. Obviously, you can't get rid of the negative impact completely, but my point is! That today I was thinking about it (I kept zoning out while at work, forgetting what I was doing) and I started to treat the Problem of Suicide as more of a puzzle or a Nancy Drew code type thang, and through that I managed to significantly shrink one of my major concerns! It would just require a lot of planning and preparation, and I am very tired. I don't know if I would be able to maintain suicidal ideation for that long of a time period. Maybe that's good, though; it can act as a safeguard in that sense, keep me from dying needlessly if the feeling's just gonna fade. And then come back. Then fade. So on.

So yeah. I am still not sure I am capable of actually killing myself, though, haha. I am too scared of death, and there are too many things I want to do. But it feels better to think about it. The frequency with which I am considering it is going up significantly, so I think I might e-mail Lancelot eventually. But also I think he is on vacation and I really don't want to bother him.

I am so tired. How many times have I written that? I'm 19. I don't want to be tired. I don't want to cry myself to sleep and wake up in the middle of the night from nightmares that make no sense but inexplicably make me feel sick. I just want to be happy. And energetic. And I want to love myself. But I am doing something wrong, I am perpetuating the wrongness, and it's all interconnected, everything I do and say and think and write—it's all the reason I can't get out.

Anyway, I'm fine. Just needed to get that burning brick off of my chest. Ah, it's still there. Now to consider either taking NyQuil or a double dose of melatonin in an attempt to sleep without lying awake crying for an hour beforehand. That'd be nice. Why is everything so hard hahahah. It's a stupid kind of funny.

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