✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2018-08-04 22:12:20 (UTC)

Stupid To Cry About


Dear Reader,

I feel like lately all I do is cry.. and I just started crying over the dumbest thing.

I’ve been going non-stop taking care of everything, and helping out everyone in my family.. I’ve been staying with my aunt R to help her with her dogs, and her sisters dog who’s staying with her until S can come home.

We ran into Walmart yesterday to grab some clothes for S because she’s being transported to a rehab for like 3 days, and we had to bring her stuff up to the hospital.

And we passed by some pants in the store, that I really really liked, but there wasn’t time to look, and it looked like there wasn’t many left.

So, we left, and saw S.. and she’s better than she was. Her liver was shutting down that night I was taking care of her.. she would have died basically.


So she’s been on my mind.. and I’ve been worried to death about her, and I’m scared she’s going to go straight back to the bottle as soon as they let her go..


I hoped R would invite me to go to town with her today, because she always goes, and we used to go together every weekend.

She was still home when I got up today, and her and grandma went to pay a bill together, and then came home.

My uncle, and his daughter came over, and I sat with them for a little bit, and I just so happened to look at R’s house out the window, when I got up and I saw she was gone.

So I kinda hoped maybe my uncle or cousin would maybe invite me to go with them somewhere, but I knew they wouldn’t.

I asked my brother if he’d take me, he said no.

And so, grandpa has medicine to pick up at Walmart, so I was banking on going with grandma..

And she’s known I’ve been wanting to go since I got home last night. I actually wanted to go since Thursday, because we get groceries there sometimes, and she always wants to go to a grocery store that I hate, and we ended up going there.

So, I was looking at her, and she was giving me the most hateful look..

So, she says “let me call R and see if she’ll pick up the medicine instead.”

And I’m like “but I wanted to go?”

And she looks at me and waves her hand, and goes “I don’t care.” Calls R, and says out loud happily that they just so happened to already BE at Walmart, and it they’d pick it up.

So I just came to my room. She messed it up last week when I was going to go with them too.

She hates for me to go anywhere, or to have anything that I want. She truly does.

And I just started crying..

Because for awhile now R hasn’t invited me to go with her, and even though I’m close to my uncle and his daughter, we never go to town like that.
And grandma? If we go to town, she goes for groceries or medicine, and doesn’t give me time to look. Doesn’t even ASK if I want to look at anything. And I go with her to help her out.


Sometimes I just feel like no one wants me around because they want hang out with me.. sometimes it feels like they just want me around to help them out.

And I know it’s so stupid to cry over.. but I go out of my way for my family.. and even though I know my aunts and uncles appreciate it.. sometimes it feels like I’m still just an afterthought.. like at the end of the day, I’m still just their niece who they depend on.

And my grandparents make sure I know they don’t appreciate anything I do. They tell me all the time that it’s “nothing.” Or “not much”

When I do eventually get a car, I can guarantee that grandma is going to stop grocery shopping period, and I’ll have to do every errand there is. And I guarantee you she’ll make me feel like garage every time I want to go somewhere for myself. Because she already does that.. every time I leave to go with R and A, she’s a massive bitch to me.

Every once in awhile grandma will go somewhere, and I really don’t want to go, and she gets mad when I don’t, and I’ve only just started doing that this year.. I used to couldn’t refuse as a kid, and when I got older, it was like I couldn’t say no because I didn’t want her to get mad. She makes it seem like I don’t care about her if I don’t want to go.. when that’s exactly why she won’t go anywhere for me.


Sincerely.
Me




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