I decided to let her go
Well, I did it. I let my girlfriend go. Since she don't want me to call her and we have a timeout to see each other, I sent her an email. It was painful and probably one of the most hardest things I've ever had to do in a long time. I had to let my girlfriend go. Not like she was coming back anyway. I just basically told her that I was sorry for causing her so much pain, grief, and despise towards me. I told her that this was never my intentions. I told her that I was sorry that she was starting to resent me (as she said). I apologized to her that I was not the man that she deserved.
I did tell her though that I would've gone through hell and back with her as long as she was standing by my side. I told her that I found the jewel in her even though she had her protective shell from her former boyfriends or husband. But I did say that if I was the cancer to her issues, then we should cut that off. In this case, this was me. So painful as it is for me right now and I'm pretty sure that I'll regret it, I feel I had to do what I had to do.
Basically, if the other person doesn't love you, then it's time to move on. This wasn't easy for me. It took a lot of thinking. I was crying as I typed my goodby letter. Because.... the only person that loses is me even though I'm trying to save my soul from any pain and hurt. I will face the same lonely quiet house again where I could spend the entire weekend without saying a word. I will go to bed without hugging someone, without saying good night, without any contact with any warm body and soul.
I'm free from hurting my girlfriend anymore but it means that I'm alone again and the quiet will for sure be deafening again. Sigh.... Night one begins.