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pulled towards a hole
"Mass" by Modern Baseball [Ah, a song about the soul-sucking nature of Upstate NY lmao]
But here I am, Valero bathroom
Who's paid to keep these things cliche?
Bury me beneath New York state
It's the only place where I feel dead
My baby's in Massachusetts
And all this booze is useless
Sunset sing my scratched out sighing soul to sleep
And the cashier here is ruthless
Jeanette, I wrote your name down
But I'd hate that job as much as you do if I was stuck between
Barton and Binghamton too
July 30, 2018 Monday 11:15 AM
It feels like it has been a long, very long, time.
I was home for a while. I had nightmares almost every night there, did not sleep a lot. Hung out with Lily and Laney by a fire but they mostly spoke to each other and I got that feeling that it was Finally Happening—the drift. And I was seeing how the ice would break off, with me one side of the rift and them on the other. I think it's because they have had similar experiences at college, neither have really set their roots down, neither really had the chance to make good friends. Plus they can talk about sex, which they do often. It is just a part of their life. They are just more similar to each other than I am to either of them. I love the people at my university, and I am nowhere near experience sex, nowhere near knowing if I even want to. Sometimes I do, so that I have something to give whatever future love I have, and so that I can avoid another Moby situation. But aside from that I am not very interested.
I felt bad and left Lily's house. I decided not to think about it, though. Didn't feel like there was much of a point.
Oh, also. Liv texted and said she wanted to talk to me, but it was too inconvenient to organize a time while I was home so we agreed to just talk on the phone some time. I hope she calls me soon. I want to be friends again. I appreciate the way she influenced my personality and I want that to, you know, be maintained. Which is I guess a very cold way to phrase it, but I don't want to say I miss her because it's not like I can't exist without her. It's not like I even have a real preference either way when I think about it. But she is a good person and I like her, so it'd be cool to continue our friendship. Best friendship, nah, though.
I am in this mood where I don't want to be close to anyone. I feel content by myself right now, my social life consisting of sporadic conversations with Goose. Oh, yeah: my crush on him is in remission. Thank fuuuuck. He is always wanting to talk to me about his potential families (he is becoming an au pair), and I am always trying to listen without looking bored.
I've had a headache since yesterday and I've slept a lot. Caroline has a new boyfriend, whom I met when I was home. He was pretty nice. Polly bought me this wildflower drink syrup while she was in Vienna, and I shared it with Caroline, who loved it, so I told her she could have it to share with her boyfriend. She was very pleased and it made me feel nice. I like making the people I love feel loved, even if I am not very good at doing it consistently.
God, I am just very tired. I am working right now but I can't concentrate and I think I should maybe take a half a day off tomorrow because I am not feeling well. At the same time, I don't feel like hanging around the apartment with Goose, either. I just want to be Nothing, haha. Want to disappear, pressed through a sieve and vanished into tiny scattered particles. Squeeze into that space that is not up or down or to the side. I wonder what it's like to live aimlessly; I have direction. It is meandering, but direction nonetheless. I wonder if I'm in a hole, or if I'm imagining myself within and cast by a small circle of sky. I'm not really sad at all, but I still keep thinking about dying and I read an entire article concerning killing oneself with carbon monoxide, but I realized I am not old enough to be able to do that kind of thing safely without suspicion or assistance (you have to buy the gas from a supplier, get like 98% CO so it will kill you instead of just causing brain damage, have to have some special sealed container and sealed mask, have to prepare the area so as to avoid killing other people and/or animals, etc.—I'd need a truck, lawyers, waivers, witnesses for the waivers, etc.).
So after that cursory research I was like, "ok that's enough wishful thinking for tonight," and I stopped thinking about killing myself. So I guess the best way for me to remember I want to live is to think about ways to deliberately stop living. Which is a bit fucked. But functional. This means it is all ok.
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