Experienced Life
2018-07-29 12:39:20 (UTC)

I do and I don't want to stay together

I'm so freaking confused sometimes. This possible breaking up this has me on a dang emotional rollercoaster. I do understand what is going on. I really do. I have had long nights of trying to truthfully understand that if this relationship ends, then it is for the better. For example, if we stay together, that'll mean my gf is committed and we can grow even more. We save money every month for planned big trips and we do other not too expensive trips to a timeshare, or camp, or whatever it is too. We do have a lot of fun doing that. Inside of me, I still want that to continue with my gf. Yet, I over think it sometimes and realize this may be coming to an end. That's when the anxiety starts. Then to self assess my unhealthy feeling, I think of the positive and tell myself that if this current gf don't want me anymore, then I should be glad to part ways so I can enjoy this with someone that wants and deserves me. Yup, I get it and I do it. Stupid emotions just get in the way and throw me out of whack sometimes.

I think of all the things we do and get along and think what a waste it would be if we split. We have so many commonalities that we both like and we also have some independent things that we like to do on our own. The more I think about it the more I feel it would be tragic if we split up. Then the brains in me tells myself that this person may not be in the same level love you are so you deserve more.

Then there is the financial part too. I read finances are one of the three reasons why people break up. Well, we had that covered too. She makes 84K and I make 104K a year. We currently both live apart and if we got along, I can imagine the savings and the vacations we could afford after living together. It sounds so wonderful and so promising. In my head, I'm going "shucks, this would've been great if we combined our financial efforts". Then the reality again tells me to stop dreaming. This may not happen so forget it. Sigh.... I really wanted to buy my first boat and trade in my vehicles for a new one. Seems like it's can be right there and yet, it isn't. Again, stupid thinking on my part.

Then I guess the most detrimental thinking for me is when I recall us making love (having sex depending on who we ask I guess). We have a great sex life. She tells me things like she's never had anyone as hard as I am before. She also said to me that she had a strong sexual appetite but then she didn't meet any man like me before that wanted to make love as much as I did and took back what she said. So those types of memories I know is not good when close to breaking up. The mind is stupid. It only remembers the good stuff but not the bad. I hear it's quite common to do so but it's not healthy. I hear I'm supposed to jot down things when I feel nostalgic and write the bad things that I didn't like about my gf. It supposed to make it better as to why we broke up in the first place. So, I did that and have it always up as a word doc on my computer. When I start feeling or thinking about my gf, I read it to knock her off the virtual pedestal. It helps a lot. I just get tired of always having to keep my head up every time.. Just emotionally tired and drained.

Good thing for the gym. When I feel that anxiety, I can run-it-the-fuck outta me. I did it last time at my last crossfit class. I was doing squats, then that anxiety hit me so I instead went faster and harder with my workout. Almost amusing that I realize what was going on and what I did to cope. I also know that this'll pay off later because I'm working my butt off harder. lol divorce diet or divorce workout (is there such a thing?) it's all good. lol

Well, it's almost D day with my gf. Three more days until we have the "talk". Sigh. Not sure if I mentioned this yet but I asked her if I could send her one letter before our talk so that I can air out anything before then. I told her that I was reading this book that was really good. I hate reading because I'm a Network Engineer and I have to read so many technical books that I have no desire to pick another one up at home. Anyway, she said ok. I was fascinated by this book. It's a wonderful read and I think anyone in a relationship should read it. It could save their marriage, relationship or whatever the situation with you is.

I explained in a summary about the book. What my frame of mind was when I asked her to move in together and great suggestions on how to make your love for each other grow. I also included my thoughts about us. I wasn't trying to desperately get her back. I just wanted to point out the possibilities if we stayed together and also apologized for trying to force her to move in. I also asked she decide with a clear mind, Not angry, spiteful, or even sad when deciding.

So again, if we stay good. If not, it will suck in the beginning but it too is actually good. Clears the way for a different future and not waste any of each other's time. There will be sadness if we split. There will be regrets since we have so much in common and we fit in so many different ways. Just probably not the most important one. That'd be Love. Without that, all the other shit won't hold up. I know it. I'm good with it. I just hate having to live life once again by getting off the ground, dusting myself off and just keep on going through life as best as I can again.

Thanks again diary. I know there isn't a real heart behind you but I feel better spilling out my guts here.