Scream Above the Sounds
2018-07-28 12:57:40 (UTC)


The last two days have been rough. I had my house party which was great but I really paid for it yesterday. So much to the point where I didn't even go into work because I just felt that bad. I haven't thrown up that much in a long time. Knowing I have another alcohol fuelled week ahead of me in Sweden too. I'm a little concerned, haha.

Where to begin? People came over Thursday night. I set up Rockband on the PS4 so people could sing or jump on the guitars. For anybody who doesn't know, it's basically the equivalent of Guitar Hero. A better game if you ask me though. I opened up the garden because I've actually got chairs and a gazebo out there now and it was such a nice evening, it would have been rude not to. We played a lot of drinking games in the dining room and I'd say everybody was pretty wasted by 10pm. The scariest part was, the party didn't end until 5am. I can't even remember anything after about 1am. Cleaning up the house in the morning was not enjoyable, let me tell you.

It was good to see people though. Obviously this entry sounds pretty happy and upbeat at this point and we all know that isn't me. So let me take it down a notch. It WAS good to see people but, I don't feel like they were coming to see me, if that makes sense? The thing I've come to notice, this year more than any of the previous years is, it's always me making the effort with them. I guess I never noticed it that much in the past or maybe I just agreed to let it slide a bit more. After going through everything I have in the last 4-5 months and when I've really needed them and they haven't been there. It makes me wonder why I do continue to save what are probably dying and dwindling friendships. Carrying on though, it WAS great to see people. I actually invited somebody that I haven't seen in about 7 years. I was surprised she showed up. I don't remember her staying for longer than 2-3 hours but it was still nice to see her. I guess I just felt that people were coming for the sake of it, so they could see everybody else. It was an excuse to get drunk, that kinda stuff. I know it's a shit and very narrow minded way of thinking but that was just my thought process about it all. I don't remember a time that they've asked me to do something with them. I don't even remember any of them asking how I am. I feel very disconnected from a circle that I thought were my best friends. I don't want to have to beg for friends though. I guess maybe I'm scared of being alone at the moment. Nothing eats away like the cold regret you can’t forget. Isolation only makes the hurt worse.

So yeah, I didn't go into work last night. The hangover wasn't even the worst part. My stomach genuinely hurt like hell. I don't know if it was something I had eaten or what. Either way, I knew I wasn't going to chance it and I suppose with Sweden a few days away, I didn't really care if I got into any trouble. I'm going in tonight though. It's the last night before I go and I'm feeling okay today. I've woken up a bit too early so maybe I'll try and grab a few more hours soon.

I just can't wait to be away and hopefully not be worrying or having things playing on my mind and just...be free and enjoy myself. I need to be good company for these guys. They know that I suffer quite badly with depression and obviously the events that I've gone through recently have changed me somewhat, but they've tried their best with me. I know I can always depend on them, regardless of how far away they are. I'll be meeting my friend in Copenhagen and then we're getting the train into Sweden. It works out so much better than flying to Stockholm. I haven't even packed yet. I've had so much time to do it but with my parents being away for the week, I've just been a complete slob, haha. I'll probably spend all of Sunday packing. I am really excited to go away on my own and maybe this will even spark something new for me. Maybe I'll do it more regularly and go and meet more of my friends who I've known for 10 years or more. I'm pretty scared of getting on a plane on my own. I feel anxious just typing this, haha. I'm sure it'll be okay.

By the time I get back it will be less than a month until I start studying. I'm still waiting to receive my timetable so I can figure out what I'm going to do about my work schedule. Hopefully Friday won't be affected. I should look for a new weekend job because studying and then working nights is going to mess me up so bad and it's not like it's a short course or anything. This is a full time course. I guess I've just fallen into this job and gotten too comfortable with it, regardless of all of the drama and toxicity that has come with working there. I'll have been there 3 years by the time studying begins. It's absolutely flown by. I probably won't end up leaving there until I achieve whatever I am studying and then hopefully break into wherever I want to go.

I've been asked to go for a date/catch up with an old friend tomorrow. Somebody I was pretty close with when I was about 15-16, I would probably say she was my first real "crush". I've agreed to go but I don't think I'll be able to stay out for long. I really need to pack and I need an early night because I'm going to have to be at the airport by like 8:30am. I'm going to need some self control, I know this girl and I know alcohol is definitely going to be involved. I'll need to pace myself, for once. In regards to dating or women generally, it's still not something that has really come into my mind. I would like to be open to it a bit more and put myself out there but it just still doesn't feel right. The only time it really pops into my head is when I see my best friends girlfriend and she asks me if I've "met anybody" or "Am I seeing anybody". I swear she thinks I'm Tom Hardy or George Clooney or somebody. I can assure you, no girls are falling over themselves to see me. I don't know why she thinks I'm some sort of chick magnet. The questions and answers are always so tedious and I wish she would just..stop asking them because she already knows the answer. I've mentioned the one girl that I do have an interest in, in a few of my entries previously. She is the one who lives in Holland. She really is awesome. I could write so many good things about her and she is a really good friend to me. "Friend" is the key word though. I think friend is all it's going to be, which is fine. I guess in my frailty and vulnerability I have grown very attached to her and whilst I do think she is amazing, I don't think she feels the same about me. I think I need to try and distance myself from her a bit. Sweden for 8 days should help with that. We do get on great, we are into the same things, shes extremely pretty and she has a great sense of humour. I've read and heard a lot about long distance relationships though and it sounds too difficult. I don't know what the future holds.


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