ish

ish
2018-07-24 06:56:29 (UTC)

today....got to see an old ..

today....got to see an old nabor friend....wnt to panera s for lumch...always good.......was a good visit....should have rememberd phone though ...always spacing it....so absent minded sometimes...........i really wasnt much into visiting..i hope i didnt come off to bitchy............
did end up missing daddy getting online....grfff.....is ok...think is good to let things settle....my total emotional upheavel at any rate.........am glad daddys back home..................i go over in my mind how i can work to communicate better......,,,,,,,,,,got a little insight........on how i might see daddys...what i feel is control...is more him trying to connect with me...isnt that he is trying to control....but to share with him all that maybe a part of....so it can be shared with him...is so true that......and i think maybe that be my issue...that what i dont do.........as if i run a single exsistance when he isnt here....i can relate with that i think.....yes ok...so is a major important thing if a couple........and i have fought so hard in my singality that i forgot that.....so self centerd sometimes fuckn hell......


Crystal said something that hit home about sometimes just relaxing your hands in your lap and just really listen to the other....i think...is definately something i need do...am not to best always at hearing...or seeing what is being said cuse i rush reading sometimes......

is funny....i always gripe when others ask me questions....lol have always been annoyed when expect me to explain myself or my day or anything lol i dont know why..just has always been..i really dont share so much with others..............i guess those walls....

so will try not to be so walled.....but see hurts when i dont even when i am still hurts lol so...lol damn doesnt matter if i do or not really huh........
.....seems i have taken this deep breath and totally have become relaxed ..ok...between the shudderf breaths thinking how im affected by him...his words....how i just want to make it all ok...............i no longer care if i hold any of self..cuse im seeing i need let ego totally go......wow why is that so hard...............so a little bit of a fight still there.............but not the panic thinking on giving daddy on the ims...totally humilating myself....knowing it would make him look at me differently...........daddy i know...you need that connnection....am greatful for that to be honest.........i would have to say for myself...i am arroused by both pixal sex and anime cartton sex lol....so the connection doesnt happen so much in that mode.........but when one is found......like this..,,,,,,,,.us.......is beyond remarkable............you cannot just go pick up a connection ...expecially slutting around ...............
....will honor that the best i can..hoping not to get lost in the meantime...........you should not remind me you read these dadyy......thinking it will not sway my words if i think noone is looking....i will be more....honest with my thoughts.....not that they are not...but thinking i curb them some......if yo uwant to see inside my head anyways......................


think im slowly getting it............and when i get those paniced feelings.....am gonna tell you....maybe can pinpoint a trigger.............
damn...how much i feel for you...fills me daddy....does...i think on you and it warms me from my head to toes my center smiles......

you have no clue how when you said you changed for me....wow....didnt know your meaning..but when i understood.....wow...just warmed me so much that i could have that effect .......i do feel i calm others...or irritate them to know end LOL....dapend on the mode i guess.....is a part of being a healer i think...........i love when others wittness it for themselves.......isnt just me doing it though....takes both.......and that it is worthy enough for you to follow through with me is the best complement ever.........
still feel fragile though.........perhaps the hangover effect from emotional upheaval......


the grands and son came over for a bit....the oldest showed interest in animal cards....so i led her through it....she made her pic of cards..........will be fun teaching her about it...seems she was born with the gift of empath as welll....hers more so drawn to the animals at the moment........good to cultivate so young...am glad her mom is open minded enough to allow us...to share our ideas............

yes...i feel like a tons lighter....how things can affect so harsh.......i dont want to shut off...but i really need work on it.....so i dont do that.......ok...time for bed....have stalled...not way i could hve gon any earlier..........and another episode wooot..............have made a few laugh have made a few cry.....and not taking no for an answer ....dont ask me why...............think too would like to get hold of the jelousy thing...on my end i know i hate it...is a difficult emotion to deal with and im so not good with it..........comes from dishonesty..others not being honest.........................you know when others are somewhat. dishonest .is cuse they are protecting the one they care bout cuse of stupidity...........cuse i truely have no other reason to.................what other reasons are there......??? cept so someone doesnt have to feel pain cuse of your stupidity.......anyhow ...just me i guess...am brutally honest if you can hack it..but always be prepared cuse ...damn....we can all be cruel huh............ok anyway.......last thoughts on the day.........remarkable relieved...a sence of renewal is definately felt.........will take my time to try an understand what is trying to be communicated..without jumping to some misunderstood conclusion................perception is an important thing........how we see it isnt always how another sees it.....................
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xiDKLltU118&list=RDEMMb5YVupu52N3eQ8SltfE3A&index=12
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZY9_Xr5XPA&list=RDEMMb5YVupu52N3eQ8SltfE3A&index=13

nite




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