Jake 🇺🇸

Killing Lions
2018-07-21 17:34:17 (UTC)

More goodbyes :(

Lately I've been thinking about singleness.... MY singleness. Lately I guess I haven't cared. I've had plenty of relationships keeping me from worrying. But this last month I haven't gone on any dates or made any new friends, this past month two good friends are leaving, then just like an hour ago I heard that another one of my good friends, P, is leaving. She got a job at UCLA -- I'm so jealous; she's going to be chilling on those golden beaches watching the sun set behind the mountains and ocean... *sigh*

Yesterday I had a chat with one of my friends, she's 32 a graduate student like me, she's leaving as well. One of her main reasons is her age. She's getting older, she wants to find a guy, she wants to start a family. She told me she just couldn't find a guy in this smaller town and that her child bearing age was running out.

I felt a sting of angst.

I'm 25 and having a family is always something I've seen in my future. It's no longer this "distant" future. Recently I've been attending wedding after wedding. Just this afternoon I was at my friend's wedding. We were friends when we were both very single. We'd joke about how we'd never find the girl. But things changed. Soon he was in a relationship, then he proposed and now he's married. Other college friends of mine are also getting married and for the first time. All of this has just made me feel a tad bit of pressure to get the relationship side of my life moving.

P just texted me.... brb

Back, she's going dancing tomorrow and asked that I come. I told her sure, and asked if she wanted to get pizza before. So yeah. We're going to meet up tomorrow. Sad. Sad. I'm happy for her, but goodbye's are always hard. Gah. Let's see...

- My best friend Andrew left two months ago (the guy i went to korea with)
- The cute girl I was dating, Hannah graduated and is now teaching kids at an army camp in Japan.
- Fiona, my friend of two years, graduated and left two weeks ago
- My church connection group (with several other single people) stopped meeting since the leader wanted to join a married group with kids.
- Two of my other church friends left to go Minneapolis.
- I learned my other good friend, Anita, is leaving next year.
- My roommate, Michael, got a girlfriend and now it's almost impossible to find time to hang out with him
- Now P, the smart biotech girl I met last year whom I've gotten in some amazing conversations with is leaving next week.

Seriously? Of course I can just start over. And... as a PhD student I knew that the friends I made would just leave. I suppose going to the wedding was a cool kind of reunion, but it reminded me of how friends leave -- it's just a reality. Of course, the reality is that it's good that my friends are getting jobs and going amazing places, I'm happy for them. I'd never want to hold them back by demanding that they stay with me; that's ridiculous. Just... sometimes I wish that they'd stay.... don't go.... stay here..... gah.

Things aren't so bad though. I'll make more friends. I'll meet new people. I... I want to take charge in the run club. I wanna become president. I want to become a better leader. You learn so much leading people, it prevents me from getting stagnant. Honestly, that's my worst nightmare: Stagnation.


Anyway, I'm going to look into dating apps. Yep. I'm gonna try it. Who knows? Maybe I can learn about myself and get some pretty crazy stories in the process?




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