Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2018-07-21 22:37:11 (UTC)

goddamn that man.

fuck it. fuck my life. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fcukkkkkkkkkkmkkkkklkklkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

I'm being melodramatic.
but really am I?

I think I'm just going to drink the rest of this chardonnay instead of going to the gym. I"ve only had a bit, I can turn back.
But that means facing the future and my actual life instead of forever turning inward to myself and being darker and darker and sadder and fuck it.

fuck my life.
I need to leave my family behind. I need to pick myself up. My forever tired self. And find a way to be happy with who I am without going crazy.
And I need to actually talk to people about my problems, instead of beleiving that I am not worth of their attention or hating myself for having problems in the first place. Neither of these are okay because in the end I end up hurting people by cutting them off just as much as I choke myself on my own emotions.

But now I have this guy who's attention is on me as much as mine is on him, although I feel like I feel it worse, and I don't even know how to begin to erase my insecurities long enough to even talk to him or look him in the goddamn eyes. those goddamn eyes.

and now that chardonnay is calling me and I don't know how to be strong in the long run unless I just run away now. toward the future, away from my past and keep running and don't look back. fuck fuck fuck I already did.




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