Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-07-20 18:13:12 (UTC)


I finally get my bedroom back tomorrow. I mentioned this a few entries ago and how I'm a bit overjoyed about something that isn't really a big deal, but I've got to get out of this room. I just need to be able to breathe again. I honestly can't wait. I'll feel so much more comfortable in this house again. I think the plan is to keep this room as a spare room just in case anybody happens to spend the night or something like that. One of my best friends is from Newcastle and he wants to visit again soon so he can use this room then I guess.

So yeah, my sister and her new boyfriend have got a place together and they move in tomorrow. I'm excited for them I guess but I'm still not sure about the whole thing. I mean, I'm glad she's going because she wasn't really living here anyway and it was a bit unfair for my parents to look after her dog whilst she was off doing whatever. They haven't even been together very long though which is quite concerning I think. I've never really known my sister to be alone, ever. She has pretty much always jumped from one relationship to the next. She broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years in February and had already started something with this new guy 2 weeks later. I didn't ask any questions, it's not really my business. I don't really know where my sister is heading or what her plans are in life. She dropped out of uni. She had been unemployed for a while but finally has some sense of direction now I guess. A new job, a new house, a new boyfriend. Things are looking up for her. I don't really know him to be honest. We've only spoken a few times. I just know he supports Manchester United. He seems like an alright guy.

I'm kinda glad she's moving out before I have my house party next week because that could have been awkward. My mum told me that her and her boyfriend would be staying here whilst my parents are away which would have just gone down terribly. One of my best friends was in a relationship with my sister for a couple of years. It's ancient history now but my best friends current girlfriend is absolutely obsessed with my sister. She checks her twitter, her Instagram. She oozes jealousy and I don't know why. So it's a good thing they won't cross paths, even though my sister couldn't give a shit. It wouldn't be ideal and I don't exactly want to be playing Jeremy Kyle when I'm trying to enjoy myself. I've got enough shit of my own to deal with.

I've got work tonight and tomorrow but I'm slowly going to transition back into my old bedroom. The only downside is, my sister has to take the double bed which I bought a few years ago. It's a bit annoying but I kinda understand I guess. Plus my parents have agreed to buy me a new one when I get back from Sweden, so it's not all bad. Work is going to be brutal tonight. I've had a normal body clock this week, so I woke up today at 10am. I tried to go back to sleep but just couldn't. It seems to be a recurring thing for Friday night's lately. It means I'll sleep like a log when I get in though. I can already hear the amount of noise people are going to make tomorrow, moving all of my sisters furniture out of the place. Hopefully I'll be so KO'd that I can just sleep through it. Next weekend is my last before I go to Sweden. I'm pretty hyped for that now.

It's feeling increasingly harder to manage my moods lately. Today I feel fine. The other day I wanted to end it all. It's alarming. I can't tell what's coming next. I know that the darkness is always lingering and it's only a matter of time until it has me in it's grasp again. I just wish I knew how to keep it at bay. It's better than feeling jaded.

I had a bit of a "fight" the other day with the girl that I like. I wouldn't really call it a fight. A strong debate maybe? I don't know. Either way it got pretty heated and she said something that she regretted. I don't know. She was telling the truth really. The conversation was regarding my previous relationship and how the course of that relationship would have changed me and who I am. My feelings, my mindset. Just general life experiences. To feel loved, to feel heartbreak. I didn't disagree with anything she said about me but I guess the conversation left a sour taste in both of our mouth's and we didn't talk for a few days afterwards. I didn't message her because I wanted her to come to me first and she didn't message me because she thought I needed space. It was really weird. I wasn't upset or annoyed with her or anything like that. I did agree with what she was telling me. She sent me a Snapchat so I messaged her back and told her that I missed her. She told me that she thought I needed some space and I told her that the conversation was forgotten about and that everything is fine between us. I think she's quite worried to lose me. I don't think she would ever tell me that though. She seems pretty grounded and protects herself well. I know she worry's though. She mentioned about how most people that get close with her tend to leave her or the friendship fades away and I guess she's worried that might happen with us. We talked quite a lot yesterday and eventually played a video game together for an hour or two, things felt pretty good between us.

I don't ever see us becoming more than friends though. I do feel pretty strongly about her but it would be difficult, and I don't think she sees me as somebody worth pursuing. Why would she? I guess I'm too emotionally damaged right now to think about it clearly.


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