Silent Eyes

Lost in this place
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2018-07-20 06:31:50 (UTC)

Who Am I now??

So many years ago and this diary still exists! I do not even know where to start. I started this diary back when I was in high school. When I needed to vent, when I wanted someone to hear me but someone that did not know me in person. My pain then felt so real yet so many years later I experienced something so much worse. A pain I would never wish upon anyone. And now here I sit unresolved, ok for now, a little reckless, a little risky, wanting to run and clueless as to what my future holds.

A little over a year ago my life took a very drastic change. I went from being on top a well paying career to getting ready to risk everything as an entrepreneur. I had everything I was going to be ok. After years of studying I walked away from medical school in year three. It took a lot out of me to walk a new path but it needed to happen. The corruption in medicine is far to great for my heart. My love of people and passion for medicine is there but to conform I can't. To hurt people no. I just wanted to help.

I was dating an amazing guy. One that supported me in my transition, one that supported me in medical school, a guy that truly loved me and made me feel again even though I pushed him so far away and wanted anything but a relationship. After giving up medicine I had started an organization and began working in consulting for a company in corporate america (what a joke for me but so fresh and new and fun) . He was entering his 4th yr in residency and I was beginning to take risks with my new business. We started drifting a bit, he started changing, becoming cold. I tried everything to make things get better as I know medicine is HARD especially residency. I started taking the dogs and going to work in the city 2 hours away every other week. I thought maybe some distance would help and I had to take risks with my new business. My brother said he wanted to help...I had investors, 10s of thousands of dollars invested over the upcoming months.

New facility is looking great, consulting job is feeling tense, non profit takes me away to hawaii, I see people for what feels like the first time. True cold hearted selfish nasty person but I know there have to be more out there. I was played...I was hurt...everything began to collapse...EVERYTHING

I had nobody, nothing, and things just stopped and froze. I couldn't breathe How does one go from having so much to nothing? To truly wanting to check out? I finally after 7 years of losing one of my best friends and old roommate Ryan to suicide felt his pain. I could remember crying with him not because I understood but because I didn't. I was ignorant to the feeling. I prayed all the time to feel what he felt, as if in some way it would enable me to be better to help him. 4 years later he ended his life. He was so amazing and so smart and I loved him. I can remember seeing him for the last time. I was so sad over the pain and hurt of seeing an ex that was treating me pretty harshly for the love we once shared and Ryan was there and he totally felt me and he made me feel so calm and smile once more. His laugh so contagious I can still here it and see him smiling. The sting in my chest and lump in my throat every time I think of him hurts. I miss you so much.

I finally could relate as I sat crying alone confused. I tried so hard to reach out to what I thought was one of my closest friends and I was told I was inconsolable and she was walking into a movie and I would be fine...In a way she was I am but those moments burned me to realize the people I would in a heartbeat be there for hop on a plane swim the ocean kind of love would let me sit there with this pain and not just any pain but something so deep and dark and black that you just want to die. I didnt just lose my family, friends, job, relationship all within moments of one another, I lost my furbabies the last of my joy. I can remember saying to myself just make sure they are safe. They are all that matters. I drove them frantically 2 hours to safety. I dropped some to one home and others to another where a friend embraced me and although I was so grateful the pain was too much. I could not decide what to first instinct was to run. I tried buying a one way flight to south america. I was going to take $300 and a backpack and the clothes on my back and just see what happens. I feel like ryan was there that day as I scanned my passport for my last minute flight and was denied because of some very random and unusual circumstances. A friend had messaged me and told me to not go...that it was dangerous as a blonde hair light eyed beautiful girl. I didn't care in fact let the world do its worst because I checked out days ago...I didn't care anymore....

more soon...

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