Scream Above the Sounds
The Monster & The Madness
I'm not a bad person. Maybe other people would tell you differently if you asked about me but, I know I'm not a bad person. I may not always say the right thing but my heart is always in the right place. I have never ever intentionally meant to hurt anybody, ever. I think one of my biggest fears is people saying bad things about me or spreading rumours. Things that are untrue. I've had to deal with it a lot in recent years and I suppose I shouldn't be shocked at this point that I don't have many friends anymore. I'm not a monster, I'm not bad, I'm not evil, I'm not any of those things. It sounds very cliché but I'm only human.
I've made mistakes, of course. Who hasn't? The cost for my mistakes however are too great to ever rectify. I've made poor errors of judgement in the past and have been extremely naive. I've been ungrateful and unappreciative at times. This entry isn't about sympathy or for people to tell me that I'm not a bad person, or maybe even for people to tell me that I am. Everybody will have their opinions and they are entitled to them. I would never hurt anybody intentionally.
One thing I do know I am is selfish and when I feel like I can't take this anymore, I know I won't be able to stop from hurting myself. With no intention of trying to "win her back", I'll just want to end my misery and put a stop to this haunting feeling that continues to engulf me and plague my mind.
I guess that does makes me a monster in some capacity.
My dreams are getting worse. It's every night now. I don't know how to escape it and it's driving me crazy. I'm getting to a point where I don't want to sleep because I'm sad about what I'm going to see. I wake up in a cold sweat. I woke up shaking this morning. I don't want to sleep again. I write this entry at 6:55am. I can be okay in the days but my mind is going into overdrive when I'm alone in the nights, and when I'm asleep, it's chaos. I think back and I'm starting to see things that weren't originally there and they suddenly look clearer. I'm wondering when she did stop loving me and if she even started the new relationship whilst we were still living together. I think back to everything she told me regarding this person and various other scenarios and find myself wondering if what she is telling me is true. I don't want to believe that because it doesn't seem plausible she would do something like that to me but I simply don't know anymore. It was no secret that this guy had feelings for her and I guess I always knew deep down that she felt something back, despite her trying to reassure me. It was obvious. I never ever stopped them from spending time together though. He always wanted to come over to the flat and see her or see the kittens and I always said it was okay. I never ever tried to control her or told her she could or couldn't see people. I wouldn't say I was happy about him wanting to come over but I knew they were good friends and I wouldn't want to spoil anything like that. I knew he always wanted more though and he finally got his wish. I just remember her telling me lots of stories about him being very unstable and aggressive. I just hope he doesn't try and control or manipulate her. Whilst it isn't my place anymore and I doubt anybody would tell me anything regarding them, it would really piss me off to hear it.
I think back to all the times I had to defend myself when certain accusations were thrown my way. I would say I handled some of them pretty poorly. If you were being accused of something that wasn't true, something you didn't do or even have any knowledge of, you might react badly. In my case I did, often. I'm not an aggressive person but I can show a lot of emotion when I want to. I've never ever hit anybody, I never would. The thought of that disgusting.
Somebody said to me that me and her were trying to complete one another and that it's impossible for two broken people to fix one another. You have to be whole already for a loving relationship to flourish. I guess I never really understood that at the time. I do agree though. We were both broken people who were determined to fix one another because we loved each other. I think back on most hardships we came up against and when I look back, nobody ever wanted us to be together. It's amazing that we went the distance of 9 years because nobody wanted it besides me and her. Everybody was against us. It's not just in recent years that people have told lies about me, this is something has been happening since 2012. People even told lies about her to me but I would never entertain them. I know her, I know her heart and her soul. I don't think her mum ever really liked me. Her best friend stopped talking to her because she wouldn't break up with me, I never understood that either. Me and her actually got on really well too, that was the strangest part. I think she was jealous that we had an established relationship and she finally had somebody else. She was always second fiddle to her friend in high school and she didn't need to be anymore. She was always so much prettier than her friend anyway. I never understood why everybody made such a fuss over her.
I've become a prisoner. I wish my mind would stop tormenting me. I wish I could forget about everything. I genuinely believe I will never get over this and I'm going to feel wracked with shame, guilt and self-loathing until I die. It sounds dramatic but I'm here to vent my feelings and this is what I'm feeling. I miss her so much. I can't get past any of this and let it go. I've often had thoughts of suicide since April and its flashing in my head more than ever now. I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb and there isn't anything that makes me feel like carrying on and putting myself through this is going to be worth it. I just want to find peace.
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