2018-07-19 00:24:59 (UTC)


Up until now, I haven't been writing as much as I want to. Every time something comes up, such as a thought that I wanna keep in my head for a while, or a photo of a certain someone's smile...I just want to bash my head into somewhere until I can't stop thinking. I've been pleasuring myself for years so selfishly, and it's only day 2 now - I'm already writing in my journal, which is something I usually don't do. Even my family members are probably not used to me typing this much.
A lot has happened since Springfield. I still miss Hassan quite a lot and we text occasionally. I'm also too nice to tell Anuraag that he's a fucking super creep and I don't want anything to do with him. I'm tired of my sole weakness being that I'm too nice. That should not be a weakness; vulnerability is my greatest strength. Perhaps that is my issue. I was so caught up in expressing my vulnerability on public social media that maybe I didn't take a look at what it was that I truly wanted.
There's a lot of things that I want. My faith says not to be obsessed with the material. Social media glorifies material quite a lot. We are all falling into it like dumbasses. Astoundingly, not many people are claiming to leave social media as they should be. Maybe this is why people grow to resent the human race. The bystander effect, the complete complacency in bullshit...I can totally see it now. Not enough for me to commit to being evil, because that too would be feeding an endless cycle of violence and unneeded destruction.
I wonder if, starting from the streak of self-repair, if this is the path I am supposed to be on. I'm initializing change in my life. I have cut out all social media and I'm cutting down on smoking until I am comfortable enough to stop. I have to be a role model or else I can't lead by example.
The one I am truly worried about is my younger sister, who has given up before fully assessing her potential. She is an incredibly intelligent girl but she spends all day playing video games just like me. Her short-sightedness and impatience are the most dangerous flaws she has, and they are going to hinder her a lot if she doesn't learn how to rewire her mindset soon. Which just reminded me - maybe there's a book I should get her to read.
I'll come back some other time.