Scream Above the Sounds
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I fell asleep quite early last night. I felt so drained, tired, fed up. I'm upset. I've just woken up now and it's 8:05am as I write this.
I've had a few bad nightmares since I've moved back here and most of them relate to the same thing and that would be my ex girlfriend. I don't entirely know why though. It feels like I want to make myself miserable by thinking about her, even when I'm sleeping. I have often thought about talking to her but it won't do any good or change anything. I mean, I don't hate her and I'm pretty sure she knows that. Maybe I'm just upset and devastated that it ended the way it did and 9 years were kinda just...swept under the carpet I guess. I had to block her on all social media after she told me she had a new boyfriend because I guess it left me trembling in anger and I felt it was very hypocritical of her after she berated me for getting with somebody else after waiting 5 months when we previously ended it in 2016. I don't really want to dig up old graves though, it's meaningless. All I know is, it hurt so bad. I'm not saying she should feel guilty for it or for trying to find happiness, she's obviously doing the right thing but it hurt all the same.
I don't really know what she thinks or feels at this point. I imagine she is probably the happiest she has been in a long time. Maybe some day I'll be able to message her and apologise again for how bad things went towards the end and wish her the best. Something like that. I don't know what her aspirations are. She told me that she had no intention of leaving her job because she didn't think she could make that kind of money anywhere else. I just know she always wanted a family so I wouldn't be at all surprised if she is having her first child next year. I don't really know how I'll feel about that. Probably equally as bad or worse.
4 months and nothing has really changed in terms of the way I'm feeling. "Time heals all". I just feel cold, lonely, full of regret. I was talking to a friend the other night and she was telling me to try and take positives from the relationship, regardless of the way it ended or personal feelings. It means you have grown. You've known what it is to love, you've felt heartbreak. And that is true. This is my first and probably only relationship that I've had and I have learned a lot and felt a lot. The thought of going out there and doing it again with somebody else is pretty terrifying.
I did want to be a dad, eventually. I didn't think I would until I was like 30. Especially now, knowing the things I want to go and study and pursue, but it was always in my heart and one of the most important aspirations. It's a life goal, really. I can't understand why anybody wouldn't want children. I know I shouldn't talk like it's the end of the world but I guess I'm just not like most guys. I can't just shrug my shoulders, go out and find somebody else. Most people at my age are probably in double figures with the amount of women that they've slept with and I've only slept with two. That doesn't bother me. It's not easy for me to just let somebody into my life like that. I think I'll really struggle to rebuild myself and put myself out there.