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2018-07-16 23:28:06 (UTC)

Home Again

"The Move" by Laura Stevenson

These two back teeth are ground meat
I barely slept this week,
But you're lovely in the morning,
All reminding me why I should be sorry.
Say, "I love your brain but I hate it when it pushes me away"
Well it's been down and now you're finally finding out
That I'm not supposed to get better
But I said I won't be quite like this forever
'Cause I'm a liar and a thief.

Well there's an easy way to wind your watch,
Come here and take it off,
I'll keep it safe in the back where I can clean it,
I mean it, there is no time like the present,
Or something just as stupid.

I'll tell ya I could make you happy,
I could make you coffee
When I wake up if you haven't made some already.
There's a ticking but it's subtle
And you'd barely even notice
But you'll know it when your eyes they start to focus.
Until then, I'm around in a hot room by myself,
Organizing all the ways that I could take all of the things you love away.
So I put it on you 'cause it's easier to do,
I'll watch you smoke until you know me,
'Til you're dizzy and you're lonely,
Make the move, I am leaving it up to you.

July 16, 2018 Monday 11:31 PM

I guess my definition of home has been very murky for quite a while, but I am back in the place that I know best—which seems like a bold assertion to me, so wait, no: the place I've lived the highest percentage of my remembered life. Back to take care of Polly's dog. A relief, because in Providence I was running on empty. To be fair I am always running on empty, lol.

I've been working a lot because I got a second job at the student agencies doing various things. Renting out fans, escorting the mini fridge company around campus to collect or deliver fridges... renting out fans. Yeah. It's a very easy and kind of horrible job, but it benefits me socially. I am constantly in contact with people and I've become kind-of friends with my boss? He's a 21 year old by the name of Lewis. One of the first things to learn about my manager is that he's a terrible influence that has tried "most drugs you've ever heard of and a lot you haven't." He's mostly a pothead, though. He's annoyingly condescending at times, but overall is very adorable in mannerisms so we forgive him :) It's also nice that he invites me to hang out places. I went to dinner with him, a coworker, and a bunch of strangers, which was awkward but—still. I approve the gesture. I also went to his apartment and smoked weed with him and his roommates. He kept remarking, "She's a quiet high. Wouldn't have taken her for a quiet high," as we played smash bros. So that was nice, even though I don't really like getting high (it makes me feel sorta depressed afterwards).

Since finding out he was suspended, Goose has been very active in seeking employment as an au pair. He's lined up to be an au pair in France in September, I think. But, you know, for all his diligence in studies and employment, I've learned that Goose is also subtly impulsive—moreso than me. I mean, that's why he got suspended for two semesters in the first place. I still think the punishment was harsh, but yeah.

Last Friday a student agency coworker invited me to a get-together, but I really didn't want to go. I did, however, want to get drunk. So Goose and I got drunk together, only I was very shook to find that I descended very quickly into sad drunk (I was anxious that day because of some fuck-ups at work—so maybe that's why). I became... needy, idk, it was weird. I don't remember a lot of it clearly, but I kept asking Goose why he didn't tell me things (ex: I JUST FOUND OUT HE IS A VEGETARIAN? I was frustrated that I did not notice this earlier) and he said, "Vanessa—" this is what he calls me, long story, "Vanessa, I tell you everything." I told him he was very hard to read and he said, "I always think I'm being so obvious."

I don't know, the whole thing just got very weird. I think sometimes I make the mistake of regarding Goose as a kind of surrogate boyfriend? We do a lot of domestic things together and we go out to dinner sometimes or do vaguely date-y things. I am super frustrated, because I don't find Goose objectively attractive and I don't think we'd be compatible, but the proximity and the lack of boundaries... ugh, it just gets to me.

I was drunk and I came up behind him in the kitchen and said, "Can I hug you," and he said sure so I hugged him from the back and he said, "You're short," because my face ended up pressed against his shoulder blade. I asked if he was going to drink more, and he said nah but I could. "You don't wanna get drunk?" I asked.

"I want to take care of you," he said, and then added on, "Unlike Boston and July 4th." July 4th he was extremely shitfaced and ended up puking a bunch. Boston, he got much drunker than me in a very short amount of time (I've gauged that I have a higher tolerance).

We danced a bit in our living room, because he likes to dance drunk. I think we went to the park? And laid on my quilt in the grass looking at the stars. Well, Goose was. I was half-asleep on his chest I think. As is pretty routine when we're drunk, we slept in bed and cuddled to sleep. He made me cry—I don't remember what he said—suddenly I was sobbing about Liv and how I didn't know why she didn't want me anymore. Next day, I found I had a missed call from her and wondered if she'd been summoned by my emotional outburst. But then she texted later saying it was an accident. This was the first time I thought about her for an extended period in weeks. I felt empty inside. Not in an emotionless kind of way—just tired, disappointed. Missing her, but ultimately understanding that I cannot be the one to reach out to her. I will not do that to myself; won't re-enter a relationship that makes me feel guilty. Either she learns or she doesn't, I don't know. Same goes for me, I guess.

Yeah, well. I started sobbing and I know Goose kind of like—threw himself on top of me in a weird hug or attempted physical suppression of my sobs????? Which were silent and shaking and strong. I know he really did not mean to make me cry. I don't even remember his comment, that apparently struck such a nerve. I dunno. Before or after, we talked about masturbation very lightly after I shifted my hips in a way that made him hiss and warn me, to like—not do that. He told me that he sometimes gets boners during math classes, although he insists it's due to the time of day (morning). I think I also felt him under my hand in the morning, half-awake, and I did not move away because I am fatally intrigued by this kind of stuff. Thing is, though, I always allow myself to get into these strange situations that are conducive to shame (hence perpetuating my association with between sexuality and emotional self-punishment).

Like, I was drunk, but maybe I overstepped my boundaries. Well, I think we both did. And I realize in retrospect that I'd been avoiding getting drunk around Goose for this exact reason. These encounters make me anxious for days afterwards. I don't want to date Goose even if I like him a little too much. I think it would just end badly. It seems like an Isaac situation: the kind of attraction best left unexplored. Ugh. I'm just—it's fine, but I hate that we don't really talk about it? I also hate talking about things. I might have to consider bringing it up to him while I am in solitude taking care of Polly's dog this week, because I am concerned that we should maybe—set some rules up around our roommate situation to avoid anything overly strange. Ugh, but at the same time I don't want to give up the drunk sleepovers. They are so warm and nice.

I feel like since this happened Goose has been acting weird. Especially because I blew him off to smoke with Lewis. I did this assuming I'd have one more night to chill with Goose before leaving, but out of nowhere yesterday he went back to his hometown. I was confused and kind of hurt that he didn't tell me, especially because when he got home the night before he was extremely quiet. I found his glasses in the kitchen and brought them to him in his bedroom, said goodnight, texted him saying I was sorry if I hurt his feelings and all he said in reply was "Goodnight Vanessa don't worry." This made me worry more, but maybe that's a me-problem, lmao.

Ya, so. This has been my life apart from work. I have been struggling to write, but at least have produced more than I did last month, which is not saying much. This week! I hope. God, I hope.