✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2018-07-16 23:27:35 (UTC)

Just An Ex

Dear Reader,

I’m pretty sure I had food poisoning... I’m better than I was yesterday, but Jesus Christ I am still not even back to 70%.

I woke up yesterday morning and I couldn’t have gotten to the bathroom fast enough.. I didn’t know what was wrong, I just felt like I needed to get there quick. I sat on the toilet, and pulled the trash can in front of me because I remembered feeling this way, feeling this sharp pain in my stomach when I had the stomach flu like two years ago..

I threw up.. and I felt better for a little bit, but the pain returned.
I threw up 4 more times yesterday.. I stayed in bed all day.. I couldn’t eat.. I didn’t even want to drink water.. but I drank as much as I could, because I knew I had to say hydrated.

I woke up this morning, my stomach didn’t hurt nearly as much as my head did. I took pain killers, and went back to bed. My stomach hurts.. but it’s mostly just so sore..
I took a shower about 2:30 and ate some toast and applesauce, and went back to bed. My head is still hurting, but not like this morning.

Now I’m just watching YouTube, and drinking Gatorade.

I tried talking to Chaz last night. And it’s so weird how much is different now.. how just the other day we were together, and now it feels like.. I guess exactly what it is. A step down. A closed door..

I was so upset that we wouldn’t talk anymore..
but it’s so painful to talk to him because it’s like all of those things he said he felt aren’t there anymore, or can’t he said anymore. There’s just no getting back to that level.. not even as friends it feels like.

I didn’t want to end it, but it was the only answer. You can’t force yourself to stay in a relationship that doesn’t make you happy, or fulfill you.

I’m probably just going to have to get used to this.. Used to people who aren’t okay with me not being monogamous..

This is one of the reasons I couldn’t talk to Josh.. even though I want to, because I know it would feel exactly like this, maybe even worse. He told me that what was to say the same issues we had when we were together wouldn’t just transfer over into a friendship if we had one. But I doubt it would even get passed awkward hey how are you’s, and what are you up to now’s..

I would hate that. Just like I hate this. It’s so frustrating like.. you said you loved me, and now I don’t mean anything.. Maybe I just suck too much at letting people go because I don’t understand it. I don’t understand how one day you can love each other, and the next you’re pretty much less than friends.. you’re just.. ex’s.


J was so different. If we broke up.. it wouldn’t feel any different when we talked. I always felt like he wanted to talk to me.. he always made me feel like nothing was different.. he still felt the same way about me.
Even when we broke up the last time.. and I was angry at him.. he still checked on me, he still talked to me.. he was still there.

And I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever have that again.. if someone will ever make me feel that way again.. I always considered J my soulmate..

When I’m sick, or sad.. I always think of J. It’s when I miss him most. None of this would be as hard as it is if he were here..

Sincerely,
Me




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