Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-07-16 15:58:44 (UTC)

In My Feelings

It's strange how you can feel like you have such great relationships and friendships with people, in the moment. Really appreciate and value them, but then as soon as the day is done or a few days, maybe even a week later. You don't hear from them. Maybe it's just me. I don't remember the last time somebody asked me how I was doing or what I was up to, in my life. I think at least 80% of my friends don't know that I'm living with my parents or studying in September. I think I've either fallen down some sort of weird friendship pecking order or I'm just not that relevant to them anymore. I'm not saying lets have a lengthy heart to heart or that I'm needy, because I'm not. But it's nice to know your friends give a shit about you. It makes me feel like if I could, I would move away and start somewhere new because there really isn't anything left here for me. I think moving somewhere new would be the best thing for me.

I'm having a house party next week and I've got about 18 people coming, which is great. I know it'll be a decent night too but I don't really think that any of them are interested in spending time with me or actually seeing me. It's just my house. They will be here for what's on offer and the people who have been invited. I guess it makes me feel very unimportant and that I'm almost begging for friends and for people to spend time with me. Maybe that's what it is. Maybe I'm just so desperate for some sort of connection and social activity that this is what it's come to.

Most of my friends, or "best friends" are people that I've known for 10 years but I've met them online and through video games and stuff. It doesn't devalue them in any way just because I've met them online or speak to them via a headset/some gaming app. They know almost everything about me. They're hugely important to me and pretty much the only social aspect that I get outside of work. Which is pretty sad but at least I've got somebody, even if they are X amount of miles away. I've met a good amount of them and will be meeting two more at the end of the month when I visit Sweden.

I started playing online games on the PC in 2004-2005 and it's crazy to still be in contact with some of the people that I am. I'm probably the most comfortable when I'm at my computer to be honest. Sounds very geeky and don't get it twisted, I may talk like a complete nerd but I don't look like one, haha. I just look like a regular person. If I told you I played football for an 11 a side team, you'd believe it. If I told you I played video games all day, everyday. You'd believe that too. I would post a picture of myself on here if I could. I wouldn't really feel comfortable putting my Instagram or Twitter on here. I've been told I'm quite charismatic...apparently, haha. I know that I'm pretty funny. When I make people laugh my confidence shines. I wouldn't say I'm comfortable with my appearance but it is what it is.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this entry. I guess I'm just feeling pretty sad that none of my old friends are really that interested in me. This isn't the first entry I've made about it and I very much doubt it'll be the last. I suppose I'm getting impatient that I know things are going to happen in my life soon and I just want them to happen now. Sweden, BFA, studying. I think I'll be a lot happier and more focused when I'm busier and life is a bit more hectic and I'm actually out of the house a bit more. Time will tell I guess.


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