Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2018-07-14 05:38:17 (UTC)

relying on others

guess who should be resting her little body but instead wants to push herself to get all those emotions out for the night?
This gal!
Here I am, back atcha with alittle daytime work drama still simmering under my skin. I got most of it out talking to my lovely roommate. She says after I chatted and cried alittle, she says, 'I'm so glad we had this talk, and I hope next time you have something to talk about you can talk to me, or when I have something to talk about I can talk to you.'

I don't know why I chuckled and just wanted to say, ok carmen.
I suppose that was kind of dismissive of me to not match the sentiment, and it was just a kind an innocent thing. I don't have to be perfect I know, but sometimes I wonder about the direction behind my impulse, and whether it's diverting me from the love I could receive.

I do that a lot.

But good news guys, I spent time with god today. I made some time on my drive back from home to chill out in this one spot in the woods. I find myself so self conscious when I first found it, wondering whether someone would come up and I'd be snatched.
but I try not to think like that, and trusting the world isn't really so bad a thing most of the time and it's pretty deserted anyway.

And god didn't have much to say, but just making time to be with him always warms my heart in the right direction.
I feel like I'm already talking like a Sunday school bitch but I just want to be pure so badly.
why am I so mean to myself.
and this damn sound boy, why can't I just get back to having a normal emotional regime around his normal ass. I'm trying to neutralize the rampant crush I had before and to my dismay I think it might be working. The way I focus on myself first.
It's more disappointing, but it's also more real to know that my life doesn't depend on him in any way. (nor does his depend on me)

I feel so strong but, also, in the face of future trials, and also just physically because of my cold, so weak.
I suppose I might like having a sickness. The physical handicap reminds me to be gentle- or gives me an excuse to be gentle to myself.
It's something I have trouble doing.
or maybe it just reminds me of the hate I harbor toward myself in my body, because I feel like I make myself sick with all this emotional stress I perpetually put up with. Getting past it feels like an impossibility on my own.
That's just a thing I tell myself. I just need to learn to rely on people.
Because lately, when I actually look into other's eyes- I see that they see me. And I'm starting to feel more real.
That's another real reason why I want to cry so often. It's just tears of joy to know that I'm alive after I felt dead for so long.

And I'm so glad I have a roommate to talk to about things. I almost didn't write on here because I think I got a good amount out with her. I forget that you don't need to be a perfect person to have good friends. Friendship is way more pliable than we give it credit for.
Somehow I still feel friends with Alyssa. But she's the drama I don't have the energy for right now.




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