Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-07-12 02:57:13 (UTC)

Blast From The Past

I set an alarm today to watch England play Croatia in the World Cup semi-final. I slept through my alarm so I missed the first goal. It was a pretty bog-standard game. I wouldn't say England played magnificently. Not just tonight but the tournament in general. They had a very easy ride to get where they did, and have a pretty bang-average side. That being said, they should be immensely proud of what they have achieved. A quarter final would have been enough. They have definitely overachieved. Me and a friend had been drinking pretty heavily during the game. England were eventually knocked out in extra time. I can't say I care very much. It would have been cool to see England in a final for the first time since 1966 but I wasn't devastated. I have no allegiance to England. I follow the Premier League and I support an English club, but I'm not English.

My friend has a built-in bar in his kitchen so we continued to drink there for a few hours. I've only just got home now. It's 3am. We got on to talking about things we used to do as teenagers. Old people that we used to be friends with that we're no longer in contact with. Places we used to go on nights out. Stuff like that. He managed to recover some old photos and even videos of when we were teenagers and it made me happy but also pretty damn sad. I say that I had troubled teenage years and that's completely true, but looking at certain videos of me. I look so stress free. I actually look like I'm enjoying myself. I look considerably slimmer and better looking too. Just a better time. I started thinking, whilst watching these videos. If I could, what would I say to myself? What would I warn myself about? Don't mess around in school? Find something you're good at? Stop wasting your time on video games? I probably wouldn't have followed the advice anyway. It was just so weird to see and really opened my eyes. It almost felt like I was watching somebody else.

I was always quite sad and lonely growing up. I was desperate for a relationship in high school. I never did have one but I always wanted one. I guess maybe I wanted to seem normal but I also wanted that companionship. I wanted to feel loved. I never really got that from my family. My parents have always done everything for me and would move heaven and earth if I asked them to. We just don't have a great connection I guess. The thought of me, my sister, my mum and dad in the same room together watching TV or even having a conversation is very foreign to me. It just wouldn't be right. One of my best friends, who's now married went through tons of girls in high school. I was always a bit jealous of him. He was better looking than me. I was more of "the funny guy who just made girls laugh". Which I was always comfortable with, I guess I just always wanted to know what it would be like to have more. I did "see" a few girls in high school but it was never anything substantial and I never did anything more than kiss them. It was pretty strange being 15 or 16 and most people have had several relationships and were even having sex. I didn't have sex until I was 19, that never really bothered me though. Sex is something that I consider very important and not really something I can just go out and do. I have to know this person. I have to trust this person. I need to connect and feel strongly about this person. I suppose I just felt everybody was growing up and I wasn't. Being a virgin isn't a big deal though.

I think if I could have a conversation with a teenage me, I would probably tell myself to stay in school. Focus on yourself. It sounds very generic but it's the truth. I would tell myself to push acting a bit more and never give up, or tell myself to concentrate on writing and that it was something I could be good at. I would warn myself about all the mistakes I had made and how to better myself and become more of a likeable and successful person.

Teenage Edd would probably ask 27 year old Edd if he was ever going to find happiness. Sadly, I still don't have that answer. Maybe someday.