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2018-07-08 19:13:59 (UTC)

jus' some pre-work ramblin'

"Old Friends" by Pinegrove

Walking outside labyrinthian
Over cracks along under the trees
I know this town grounded in a compass
Cardinal landing in the dogwood
I keep going over it over and over
My steps iterate my shame
How come every outcome's such a comedown?
Late in the afternoon with the shades drawn down
I kept saying I just wanted to see you
Saying, "What's wrong with that?"
Needles shaking out lines in a compass
Every outcome's such a comedown

I knew it when I saw it
So I did just what I wanted
So I go through with this
I knew happiness when I saw it

I saw your boyfriend at the port authority
It's a sort of fucked up place
Well, so I averted my stride on a quick one
He's coming back from going over to your place, huh?
I feel like I could forget about it
I feel like I could mellow out
I don't feel undone in a big way
There's nothing really bad to be upset about
But when I thought I was getting better
I woke up on the ground
An appointment or disappointment
A setback or another comedown

As if I needed a reminder
Oh, I do only what I want to
So I go through with this
I knew happiness when I saw it

Walking out in the nighttime springtime
Needling my way home
I saw Leah on the bus a few months ago
I saw some old friends at her funeral
My steps keep splitting my grief
Through these solipsistic moods
I should call my parents when I think of them
Should tell my friends when I love them
Maybe I should have gone out a bit more
When you guys were still in town
I got too caught up in my own shit
It's how every outcome's such a comedown

And I knew it when I saw it
Oh, I did just what I wanted
So I go through with this
I knew happiness when I saw it

July 8, 2018 Sunday 7:17 PM

T-minus twenty-five minutes, I head over to work at Wayland, where I'm doing fan rental customer service at the BSA. It's my second job now, which, thank god. So far I've worked 10 hours (Friday afternoon and this morning). I guess from now on I am working 6~ish days a week.

Lots has happened. Nothing has happened.

I experienced some emotionally painful (and physically uncomfortable) withdrawal from the Lexapro. I'm now back on it, because—surprise!—prescription was renewed. Can't deny the disappointment in me, of hoping eventually I'd "mellow out" without the medication. Now I guess I won't know. No time is ever a good time to suddenly stop taking your medication, I guess. I mean, that's what weaning is for. But god I hate gray areas haha; in-betweens.

Wednesday (July 4), we went to Goose's friend Zoey's house and drank lots and lots and lots of tequila. Goose started throwing up at around 9 PM, fiveish ours after we began our descent into drunkenness. He was collapsed on me as I held a conversation about school with a 21-year-old guy (Tony) and a 25-year-old (Chris), the latter of which goes to Brown as an undergrad. He took 3 years off for some unspecified reason so I suppose this is his last year. Tony asked if Goose was okay, which is when I noticed him kind of hanging off my collarbone, so we (Goose and his friend Clock) led him to the bathroom and, after some bouts of puking, the couch. Goose's friend Zoey left with Tony for a different party, I think, because the remains of us—Chris, Clock, and I—just took care of Goose and chatted for the next couple hours, which was very fun. Goose, in our lyft home, said, "Chris was flirting with you so hard," and I was pleasantly surprised.

Next day, I worked and when I came home Goose told me he had been suspended for a year by our school. I feel like this is a really harsh punishment for what he did in April (which I don't really want to explain in detail). He will try to appeal, he says; his mom has hired a lawyer; he's applying to au pair positions overseas in the meantime. He doesn't want to be home if he has to lose a year of his schooling experience. I mean, yeah, he can always come back to campus next year, but by then we'll all be juniors and he still a sophomore. It's an isolating and cruel thing to do. I am unsure as to why the university felt these measures were necessary, but I understand Goose scrambling for damage-control—for backup. For a way to avoid a lot of time caught in pointless reflection in his hometown, from questioning messages and no good deflection. I dunno, being an au pair seems like... a lot... but maybe that's what he needs? Anyway, I am going to miss him, I keep thinking. He's been really fun to live with. I can't imagine not seeing him for a year.

Oh, also, I'm sick. I've got a sore throat and it's super annoying because, you know, I have to work and sleep and eat and drink and do all these regular human things while feeling shitty. Such is the life of the sick, though, haha. Other than that, I feel surprisingly okay. Stable.

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