Scream Above the Sounds
2018-07-08 23:14:52 (UTC)

"Forgive Yourself"

I've spoken to a few people on here in the last couple of days. I've started reading other people's entries, just to see what their lives are like and the things they are going through. I never expect many people to read mine, that's never what this was about I guess. It was never something for attention or recognition. I'm not a very interesting person anyway. This was a tool for me to vent and try and put stuff out there that tends to run around in my head and keeps me awake at night.

Somebody read one of my entries from a while back, it's called "Confessions". It's in regards to the breakup with my ex girlfriend and the things that were going on during that period of time. I don't think I explained everything in absolute detail and whilst it doesn't really matter now. One of the messages I received, from somebody I had never even spoken to before, spoke volumes. I'm going to put the message in this entry and hope she doesn''t mind.

It reads :-

Edd - this is a great entry and you are right - you can’t stay together just because you love each other. Relationships are so much more than that. You emailing another girl while you were broken up is not cheating. You were broken up. But why did you keep the messages? Especially after you got back together with your woman, those message should have been deleted. It wasn’t that act that broke you up, however. Lies damage a relationship so much. Without trust, there cannot be love. My man lies about EVERYTHING. And you not being able to be intimate with her probably made her think you had something going on the side. If you weren’t have sex with her, who were you having sex with sort of thing. You have deep remorse - I wish my man had that for what he has put me through. There is hope for you kid. Just get out of your way. Stop guilt tripping yourself. You made mistakes. We all do. Learn from your mistakes and move forward. Don’t make the same mistakes again. Don’t make this all be in vain. You will love again. I promise. And it will be beautiful. But you need to forgive yourself. If you don’t, history will repeat itself. Don’t let that happen.

I don't think I'll probably regret anything more than sending the messages that I did to that other girl. It was a stupid, crazed moment of madness and I think I was scared that I was going to be alone. I don't know. I wasn't thinking clearly and my head space was probably the worst it had ever been at that point in time. I wasn't me. That isn't me. It's not who I am or represent. It was ridiculous. I didn't lie about anything though, other than when she asked if I had notifications turned off on my phone. It doesn't matter now anyway. The point is, I can't forgive myself. I'm still haunted by all of this. I was suicidal for a while after the break up. Especially after she told me she was with somebody else. I thought I was going to end it then and there. I know I deserve this though. I don't think she thinks about me anymore but I do think about her. I imagine she is probably the happiest she has ever been now, which is good. She deserves it. I guess I just feel like the break-up and me moving out was so bad, so drama fuelled, emotionally abusive (From both of us). It kinda made the rest of the years we had together invalid. Which is heartbreaking because it wasn't always bad. We had some great times together and a lot of history. It's a shame I can't ever speak to her again. I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with that. I can't forgive myself for my behaviour and the thought of having another relationship is not really a welcome one. The message from this woman isn't the first person to tell me that I will learn from this and I'll be better next time. I have no doubt that is true. I just didn't expect or want there to be a "next time" I guess. She was the first person I slept with and the only relationship I ever had. I expected her to be the mother of my children someday.

I've mentioned before that there is somebody else that I do really care about. She isn't local to me though and it isn't very likely anything will ever materialise. She's really great. We've been friends since about November 2017 but we got a lot closer in April-May. She really helped me with my break up and trying to get me back on my feet. We talk pretty much every day and share a lot of the same interests. Music, football, video games etc. She's unbelievably pretty, funny. I think the real kicker was, she said that if she lived here, we probably would be together or dating, something like that. Which does kinda give me hope in the smallest way possible that maybe something could happen, someday. I don't know. She thinks I'm attractive (God knows how or why). I just know that if I was looking for anything with anybody. I'd like it to be with her.

It's good that people reach out to each other on this diary. We need to save each other. I was looking through some old stuff on my computer yesterday and I found this. It was a piece on my ex girlfriends tumblr I had saved from a few years ago I think :-

It finally happened today. I broke. I woke up this morning, sat in bed for an hour while my boyfriend slept beside me.Then the first tear came, they were silent for the 1st hour. Then my head began to pound, my chest ached and I couldn’t breath because I was trying to stay silent. Then the first sob came out of my throat and I was lost. I cried so hard I started gagging and gasping for air.I didn’t know Edd had woken up until I felt his hand on my face turning me to look at him. He looked so scared & sad. So I cried harder.He pulled me down to the bed and held me while I cried myself to exhaustion, all the while "shhhing" me and trying to soothe me.Then he put on the cooking programme I like and he hates. I clung onto him and he clung onto me while we both fell back to sleep.He saves me every time. He’ll ask me once what’s wrong and 9 out of 10 times I’ll smile and say “it’s nothing”. He sees through my fake smile every time but never pushes me.He knows he just needs to be there and I will be okay in the end. I’m not sure why i’m writing this, I suppose I just want people to know I’m not as strong as I make out to be …a lot of people are not as strong as they make out to be. So be kind to each other because you have no idea that the guy you’re being a dick too cries himself to sleep each night. Or that the girl you bitch about has scars under her clothes. We need to save each other.

We need to save each other.


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