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Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-07-06 18:11:07 (UTC)

Attention

I've met a lot of new people in the last few days. I'm usually pretty bad at talking, in the beginning. It's hard for me to get to know people but I do try. Most people I would consider "good friends" don't really bother with me anymore. I'm not really sure why. Maybe they just don't like me that much now or I'm not important enough to be in their lives. I mean, if I organise something they'll likely come but why do I have to put all the work in? It doesn't seem very fair. I feel like if I don't message people. Whether it's text, facebook, whatever. I probably won't hear from people in months. That makes me sad.


I would never say I was a popular person. I was bullied a lot growing up. I never had a wide selection of friends but I had a little circle I was part of. It was nice to at least have a social life and know that people were in your corner and cared about you and valued you. I could probably bet that some people don't even know that I've split up with my ex girlfriend and that I'm living at home again. Or that I'm returning to education in September. I shouldn't really be too disheartened about it because if they cared, they would message or talk to me right? I guess it's not really my hill to die on.


I've been talking to some new people. About everything, really. Video games, the World Cup, their aspirations, relationships, hard times. It's just interesting to talk to new people and learn about them. Most of them are from America. It's alarming how somebody from the internet can give you more attention than somebody you've grown up with and were even in school with. I would never beg people to bother me or give me attention though. They know whether they want to be in my life or not, and I guess I'm too old to chase people. The social aspect in my life is just dead right now besides work and that's pretty depressing. I often find myself in low moods because I haven't got anywhere to go or anybody to talk to. I'll work Friday and Saturday night and then pretty much just stay in my bedroom playing video games or binge watching something on Netflix. I feel like I'm 15 again. It's sad.


I think things will pick up at the end of July though. I'll visit Sweden and then when I come back it'll be a week or so until the Warcraft expansion drops, then the month after I'll be studying and I'll finally be busy and actively going somewhere and working towards something. I kinda just want it to start now. Sometimes at night I get really depressed and low and I can never really shake the feeling. It's haunting. I just have to hope I can fall asleep before it completely consumes me.


It's Friday so I've got work tonight. I haven't really got much to talk about in regards to work. It's easy. Friday's tend to go pretty quick. I don't really have plans when I get home. I'll probably just grab something to eat and watch a film/tv series.


Edd



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