Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2018-06-29 23:10:57 (UTC)

it's been awhile

I haven't written in a minute because I've been writing in my paper diary.
And because I just haven't found the time. But there were some entries I wanted to start, and some themes running in my head I need to alleviate. I feel my life picking up again, or at least I feel in touch with the strength to move on.

I still always want to cry, although I rarely understand why. But it's coming to me now, how I always feel removed from the present moment, like I'm procrastinating the enjoyment of it into the future because I can't stand to handle whatever it is I need to deal with now.
And essentially, there is nothing I technically have to deal with now, not emotionally big. Just what the day brings.
I mean, but that's discounting the feelings I have about my future and about my past and my identity.
So yeah, just those.

So for a couple days I've been stuck on this lyric that goes 'to walk away I have no capacity' from Amy Winehouse. It's from the song tears dry on their own and although you could probably care less, it's just a 5 star song. But I liked it at first because of the way she acknowledges that she can't do everything that's right for her, and that's okay. Like, you need support in your life to make the right choices for yourself sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I can't possibly walk away from my family and the life I've been taught to lead; passive, unpassionate, slightly disgruntled, cookie cutter.
I feel like turning into the person I want to be means running away from the life I've led so far, which for society is a good thing, but for me feels shameful. Although I would be leaving the shame in the past I don't know that the threat of turning around would ever disappear.

Sometimes I feel when I talk like this I'm being naive. Like I'm completely discrediting the lives my parents have made for themselves and reducing it to a small image of my dissatisfaction. Because they haven't done terrible. They own their own nice house, they've built a family and a life for themselves. Even if it isn't wrought with clear cut intentionality and wholesome love, there's not nothing there. It's just not what I know I want for myself. And I don't even know if I actually have plans for myself that far if I'm being honest.

I just feel like running. period. Always, from other people's glances, from being noticed. I just want to be invisible always, but stepping into this role of being supervisor makes that hard. And I'm so needed that I find myself valuable and I notice I carry myself differently.
I suppose it's changing me in good ways, back to the person I want to be again. Slowly.
Although let's not forget I still feel like crying mostly.

I suppose it's not the life my parents have made for themselves that makes me so dissatisfied, but the way they don't acknowledge me. They say they are proud, but not enough. And Even if they say it, they don't show it. I've put a lot of hard work into myself, but I still don't feel like a person. And sometimes I feel like that's because of them.
And then I know that they just don't know how to appreciate me the way I want to be appreciated. Like, they don't know me and the changes I've made with myself until it slaps them in the face. And I suppose that's normal and okay although I wish it wasn't.


I don't know why I feel like this is so much more necessary than just Having Friends. But having friends is a marathon in it's own right. Like, I have trouble wanting to show up and be emotionally present every day. Most days I just would rather be auto piloting my way through life. And how do you ever explain that to a person when you still feel invisible.

And I'm being miserable like always but you know ..
My therapist once accused me of talking myself into a misery and I think that's a real thing I do more often than I recognize.

Then last night after the roughest day yet at work, I felt so inspired by myself. I had thought more than 2 times about quitting that day, but for me, considering the alternative, and considering potential finances, quitting is not an option. So the just not quitting made me start to feel like this is the time in my life where I need to go hard. Like, figure it all out. No excuses.
And then in one fell swoop she got back on her bike and rode off into the distance.
they would say about this period of my life.

And honestly I feel like I could just get back on. Only a year lost to miserable thinking. Not that I have all this shit figured out, and not that it won't haunt me as I attempt to continue on, but I need to stop looking backward
"because you can't move forward if you keep looking back."

There's a complete switch in thinking when you look at the things you do and can have versus the things you don't have and won't have. I suppose it is exactly that glass half full or half empty mentality. And positive thinking has never been my cup of tea just because it only seems to account for half of the problem for me. But negative thinking has it's own trap of impossibility- it's a completely different beast.

I suppose I'm just happiest when I get to look around and see the things we do have. We have the power to stay greatful for the friendships, the kindenesses and blessings god has given us, and then we have the power to carry those blessing forward with goodwill god willing.
I love to think of the world in the kindest way with god always there looking down on me. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It makes my heart warmer.
And I miss god. (since I decided to be an atheist a couple years ago)

I still feel like beleiving in god is a sort of soft way of seeing the world, because sometimes I don't know how to be honest about my disgruntled, frustrated, angry feelings when they don't fit the glass half full narrative. So lately I've just been letting myself be mad because I don't want to compress all of them and wake up one morning after I've blacked out and became a serial killer with my repressed emotions.
So, dear god, please help me to deal with the things I cannot handle and allow me to put my frustrations to rest in the healthiest way because I just want to be healed and whole again in your name amen. Jesus Christ I love god. probably.
if he exists.




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