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2018-07-01 02:39:41 (UTC)

Kisses and Masturbation

July 1, 2018 Sunday 2:40 AM

I don't like it when Ibn kisses me. The first time we made out, it was fun because I was drunk of gin and red wine, and he laid me down on his bed and ran his hands up and down my ribs and then my boobs. Yeah. But I did not like the tactile sensation of the back of his neck, which was very stubbly. I tried to find it attractive but I could not. I also did not like the feel of his hair, or his body over mine. He seems unreactive, or maybe I just cannot sense his reactions. When he kisses me, he tilts at an angle just a little too extreme and his mouth is too open, it covers mine. His rhythm is erratic and I struggle to keep up or slow down alongside it. His stubble burns against my lips, but I think that is something I could like if I liked the rest too. I am just not into it.

I came home from spending the day at the beach with him. He is cute, but I just—ugh. Maybe it's his body type. Reminds me too much of Adrian. Adrian has somehow ruined the compact, muscular guy for me, or maybe it was never my thing, but it is especially not my thing anymore. It might've been fine. I don't know. Sometimes I like talking to Ibn. He felt my legs and said they were soft, said, "Babies would be jealous." But I dunno, mostly I just wanna get away.

Especially because every time I go over he asks me repeatedly to stay the night and I always say nope, nope, nope. Times like those I experience an inner sigh type thing and I wish to myself that more guys were like Moby, with that kind of respect for another person. Of course, Moby has his own problems and I just want him to love himself because I love him (hopefully he is improving much in this respect! Dunno, haven't seen him in over a month). When I say I love him, I don't know that I mean that more than platonically. I do love him though!!! Soooo much. He is so funny and so smart and so good.

Anyway, enough about Moby. Point is, I don't like kissing Ibn. It is moist and boring and kind of stressful. I was glad to come home tonight. I just masturbated somewhat loudly??? Goose is home for the weekend and I am working on some self-applied sexual therapy (combo of healthy-ish thoughts on sexuality and positive attitudes towards my own pleasure). I've made all this up. I just want to be okay if I decide to have sex. Yeah, so. I came twice and was a bit surprised at the moans that came out of my mouth, just because they sounded—inherently sexual. Which they were. I'd never heard them before, though, only muffled versions and whimper type things when I'm trying to keep quiet.

Oh, yeah, also the other day I thought Goose was out and I masturbated with the door open. TURNS OUT he was just sleeping ://// I moaned then too ::::/// unmistakably sexual moans :::::::::::://////////// He hasn't mentioned it, though. I think he was knocked out. He did take 3 doses of benadryl and a melatonin (it was an induced depression sleep—will explain Goose's own mental state in a future entry?). Dunno if he would mention it, but if he did he'd make fun of me for it endlessly. I am not that embarrassed in any case, which I take as a good sign as far as the growth of my sexuality goes. Woo.

I hope I find someone that I like kissing. Someone whose hands I want down my pants.

Hey! Maybe I'm not in that depression bubble anymore; the mood I've been caught in for weeks. OOoor maybe I am experiencing a post-masturbatory high, hhahaha.

In other news, I'm about to run out of antidepressants and I can't get a new prescription. Stay tuned for my inevitable breakdown later this July!

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