June 24, 2018 Sunday 1:15 PM
Felt a LOT better for a bit. On Thursday, went to Ibn's house where we drank Argentinian red wine and then gin and tonic; we talked and watched Queer Eye, and then we watched Adventure Time, and then he kissed me and I kissed back. It wasn't as boring as it's been in the past, so that's nice, although I can't think of anything he really did differently except his tongue was less intrusive. And also I liked the sharp edge of his nose slotted against mine, and the feel of his stubble under my fingers. Sometimes I felt he kissed me crazy angles, so it was like—kissing an alien or something. I did not like the nape of his neck; it felt insignificant instead of intimate. Maybe his is not sensitive.
He brought me to his room and unbuttoned my shirt and put his hand down my shorts—at first, I allowed this, but it actually kind of hurt (I was too sensitive even though I was vaguely turned on) so I pulled it out. He tried a couple more times but I shook my head every time and he receded. That is the kind of annoying thing about Ibn, is he always proposes a thing several times and I wish he'd just accept that I've said no. He is nowhere near violating my boundaries but it is still irritating to have to repeatedly assert myself.
I had Ibn drive me home when I got too bored. We sat on his bed, me holding my crumpled shirt with my cardigan half-buttoned and him shirtless. After a minute, I sniggered and said, "I love the efficiency," referring to him putting on his shirt (he hadn't even started) and he pushed me back onto the bed and climbed on top, started kissing me again. I let this happen for a bit, engaged in it even (because I loved the idea even if I wasn't really present), before being all, "Ok tiiiime to go," and he was like, "Or you could stay here," and I can't remember what I said but in effect I declined his invitation. He asks almost every time we hang out and every time I say no. Sleeping next to someone just feels... I mean, I really need to like them in order to do that, and I don't like Ibn that much. I sleep next to Goose but that is because we are friends and it is very chill. With Ibn, I get the feeling he'd just—hold me tight the whole time, kiss the back of my neck, and I'm not into that. I like how Goose does not kiss me at all lolololol. We cuddle but to me it feels more like the way cubs cuddle—for the warmth of contact.
When we got to my house, he leaned over to kiss me and I held up the facade of intimacy, with a little whispered, "bye," and a small semi-shy smile, like I felt embarrassed at all, like I felt apologetic, like it was hard for me to part with him, like I valued him as a person. Eh, it was all just automatic and natural and so so so dishonest. Play-acting. I assume everyone does it with varying degrees of awareness, so I try not to feel bad.
Goose had two friends over and they were both sleeping in his room, so he slept in my bed with me and we spooned. Next day, his friends left and we went to Boston for a free rollerskating type thing. It was fun and kind of exhausting. We leaned on each other the whole time. There was a little concert thing, where Goose and I met this beautiful couple that I just want to marry. The woman gave me a little finger hug when they left and I wanted to cry. Also, while dancing, Goose has taken to lifting my up by the legs so that I wrap them around his waist. I think this is terrifying but every single time he's like, "Wave your arms!!!" so I do it and then I tap him twice to let me down. Dancing was fun. On the train home, we encountered some very drunk Red Sox fans. A less-drunk Red Sox fan gave them what he called "train meat" (pepperoni?) and then suddenly the most drunk of the hoard was leaning over Goose and waving his train meat and yelling something incomprehensible while the rest cheered. I almost cried I was so happy: it was the most ridiculous beautiful stupid thing I've ever seen and I wanted it to exist forever, in the gross cesspool of the lower deck, with crushed Bud Light cans and mysterious pools of liquid as I lay half on Goose's lap and drunkenly talked of neurotransmitters and recited to him the plot of Blood Meridian as far as I had gotten into the novel.
When we got back, we walked to our apartment and I shivered and Goose rubbed my arms intermittently and we jogged up steep hills. I took a shower and he ate some food and we got into my bed and went to sleep. The next day, he was sniffling and I didn't feel that great either (this was yesterday). I had a killer headache, which did not seem related to the alcohol I had consumed because I drank enough water. Maybe it was the sugar I had alongside it, haha.
I called Alexis in the middle of the night and cried. I had been thinking about Liv. I felt so betrayed and empty; I wondered if I was really that bad, that people had to leave me to feel more secure about themselves. I am reactive, unstable. All those people who don't like me anymore—Adrian, his mom, Liv, the rest of the nonfriends who stopped reaching out. Were they right? I don't know so I guess for now I will resume as if they were wrong. I didn't want Alexis to misinterpret my sadness as me missing Liv. Of course I miss her, but I know Alexis would tell me to reach out. I don't think the friendship is worth reviving simply because her insecurity is what caused it to end and I can't fix that. Plus, anything I said would only make her angry. I don't feel I have anything to apologize for (despite the moments where I wonder if she is right).
Alexis was drunk and possibly high on Adderall??? She spoke about Soom. They got back together and spent three days straight in each other's vicinity; Soom then got mad when Alexis wanted to go to her friend's party that night. I told Alexis that I thought Soom was in the wrong. Alexis said, I love her so much—but I also want to be my own person. She told me she can't wait until I'm in a serious relationship and I understand these troubles. I hoped I never experienced a serious relationship like Alexis's and Soom, which is just exhausting, a rollercoaster of emotions and incompatible differences in the way they express affection.
Ibn wanted to hang out yesterday. I went to his apartment, we watched The Ritual, we cuddled briefly, I complained of a headache, took migraine pills and ate microwaved oatmeal in the hopes that it would settle my stomach. We laid in his bed for a while before at around midnight I asked him to take me home. I just didn't want to be near a human anymore. As soon as I got back, I was lonely, though. I sat in bed. Ibn called me an hour later. Said he was moving to Boston at the end of July and he didn't want to waste my time. He said, "I'm sorry if I ever made you uncomfortable." I wish I knew what exactly he was talking about. Of course he made me uncomfortable, but what does a vague apology do for that? What does he want me to say? That it's okay? It's not okay. But I don't care enough to tell him that.
Anyway, at first, I was confused. Was he "breaking up" with me? That would be a relief. But no. He was just letting me know; guess he wanted some clarification as to how I saw our interactions. Casual, I said. I feel stupid, he kept saying. I hate this but: I felt a little disgusted at the admission. He is supposed to be 23 years old. He has a degree and a steady, well-paying job. But in my own way I feel older than him.
Had a nightmare last night, in which Stephanie was around. She pulled down my pants and cupped my ass and she did this quickly, like she was joking. I whipped around and told her to stop talking to me, stop touching me, just leave me alone. She kept trying to argue with me (reminded me of Adrian in that way), tell me the way I was interpreting events was wrong. It was stressful. I preferred the dream of the night before, where my mom was attempting to exorcise a ghost but she needed my dad to continually play his music, to keep it at bay. He didn't listen to her, entered the room that the demon made home. It was covered in a pool of clear water, in which swam a single black fish. He waded into it, even as we begged him not to. He did not trust our judgement, waded and dissolved into a black fish himself. The water began to rise and I realized ghosts are water and I became so terrified that I ejected myself from the dream (literally my sister and my dream avatar, we shot through the ceiling). I think I woke up after that.
Today, I still feel weird and vaguely upset for no reason. Goose is sick and he keeps talking about eggs. I am just angry. Plus I just got my period, which is annoying. I have to go buy pads/tampons now. I have a customer service job interview at 9 am tomorrow before my library job.
I hope I can make enough money before the summer ends. I don't want to socialize anymore. I just want to be alone.