Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2018-06-22 04:52:35 (UTC)

How to be less lonely?

I know that I have a lot to work on but my tiny brain can barely handle the present.
My thoughts are probably jumbled right now. I have a ton in my brain that needs to spill out I've been saving up. Ever since this morning, talking to Sebastian about life, I for the first time thought I was about to spill out my life's story in a way that makes sense. I like that I can actually talk to him.
Or at least the way he makes sense of life and the way I do is similar so that I'm comfortable around him (who cares how this actually works but I'm just happy it probably does)
The part that doesn't work though is definitely on my end. I feel myself shrinking every time I grow fond of a person, and the more they notice me the less I feel I have to offer. It's really quite sad the way I turn into a lonely soul inside something sort of desperate for comfort.

I wonder how to sever the tie to the story I tell myself about my life ..

I wonder how to recreate it into something new. Or dust of some cobwebs.
whatever needs to be done..

It feels like when I'm at work sometimes I give myself over to the love I have for the people I work with and none of this gets in the way. It sort of bubbled under the surface, this thought, about how an artist separates their ownership from their work after it becomes public, and I wondered if that applies to just talking to people and getting over yourself. It's just a weird thought.

but for now I need sleep and love and care and patience .

Only after I reconsider the sound boy for a moment. I've thought about him too much but he's always around and my brain spins too much to really let myself n notice him. My fingers forget how to do what they're supposed to do and just walking becomes a conscious effort.
Lately, though, I have gotten better at just remembering I'm a person and he's a person and not becoming completely dumb. He's a good kid, he's patient with me. And I kind of hate him for that.
I suppose I would rather have an asshole be into me. Because then id' know what I'd be dealing with. A man with this depth is just scary because it could be really real.
I don't even know what I'm saying.
Or we could just be friends. And I'd need that too. I'd be happy with that.




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