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2018-06-21 07:41:27 (UTC)

How do you see me?

WARNING: After talking with a dear friend, it was suggested that I stop journaling here. Why? I was getting upset that others were taking the links and sharing them with their friends, sharing it with someone I used to know, or sharing it in general. It was suggested that I either do it privately or journal somewhere else. I thought on that advice as I do when those dear to me share advice with me. While it was a good suggestion, I had to think on things. This is what I have to say about that.

After thinking quite a bit on it, no, I will not be doing either of those things. I had to think why it bothered me. It bothered me because just like the person that took something from my Facebook to share with another (something completely unrelated) I was troubled that something to help me was being used in such a way. I share the link to my journal on Facebook so that those close to me can choose to read it or not. I couldn’t understand the need behind sharing it with friends and using it for AHA moments or as a way to further gossip. I found that the problem doesn’t lie with me sharing what I do with other anonymous people and those that truly care about me. The problem lies with the person that does these things. I pity them. I pity how small their world and life is that words on someone’s journal can bother, upset, anger, guilt, shame, or any numerous feelings to share it with others as senseless gossip. It makes me wonder the kind of person that would do that. All so that person can feel better about themselves or feel some validation in their outrage on simple words on a screen. If you’re not a regular part of my life and you choose to read something that’s on you as a person. The simplest thing would be not to read it at all. When you choose to read anything, the choice becomes yours alone to tend to and the problem lies with you. Then further sharing it with others also shows the kind of person you are. So yes, I pity you and your small world. I have been told that I should be flattered that I’m such a part of your life but instead I can only shake my head. I don’t use names even though I could. What you infer from what I say is completely up to you. If you feel strongly, perhaps take a look at yourself and why that is. I told the Narcissist once that I don’t control what people think, feel, understand, do, or say. I only control myself. He had expected me to control how my friends and family thought of him, spoke of/to him, and how they felt about him. He was offended by them. When I said that about controlling others, he got even more angry with me. He thought I wasn’t supporting/defending him to my friends. It’s the same with those that would use this. I can’t control what you think of what I say or how you interpret it. That’s completely up to you. So, making that choice to read this, sharing it as gossip, thinking it’s about you; that says more about you than it does me. If you don’t like what you see, only you can control the image in the mirror staring back at you. After this is said, I won’t be saying anything beyond this point unless it is something in particular that’s bothering me. I will continue to journal as I have been doing with the reminder to myself that people will do what people will do. If you entertain it being shared and read this because the link was shared with you the same applies. You made the choice to read this. You made the choice to believe what it is you believe. Are you that person as well? Perhaps you need to realize that you are just an extension of the one that gave it to you. Look inward as to the why of it.

With that finally off my chest, I believe it’s time to move on to other things. Once more, unsolicited, the Narcissist has popped up again. I don’t know what he expected. I didn’t answer. I didn’t see a point. I simply closed the door and moved on again. While his voice is a part of those that I hear from my past pointing out all the things wrong with me, I do my best to get beyond that. I know full well that the only reason he would want to be in my life is simply one thing. Money. That siren’s song that has lured so many to either befriend me or want to be at my side. It was never me as a person. It was usually the lifestyle they would become accustomed to. Some would point out that partly it’s inherited. Yes, some is. Yet I still work every day so that I can have the bills paid and the cats fed. I have chosen to stop giving/loaning money to friends, family, and others because I’ve grown tired of many that choose the money over the person. Take advantage of it. These same people would most likely turn up in two years pretending that we’ve been friends all along when not one could rightly admit to anything that’s gone on in my life. I know who’s been there for me. I’m acutely aware of it. My Narcissist would have everyone believe that he loved me and that I have “odd notions”. I have come to realize that isn’t really the case. When you are proud of telling people that they only know about you what you show them, you leave yourself open for many things. Then you wonder why you have no real close friends or those that you can confide in, you ignore that you yourself might be the problem. I am who I am. While many don’t like me (although are good at pretending) there are those that know me as a person. I may not like that person, but they find some good in this lumpy mass that is me. While I hear all the horrible things that I am or have done, they find something akin to good in me. I am grateful to them for that simple thing. I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination and I don’t pretend to be. I also don’t pretend who I am either. Like me, hate me, love me; there’s a reason that you keep me in your life. Where I have no problem telling people how I feel (though I’ve always been better at writing/typing how I feel out), some people seem to enjoy talking around me but not to me. It’s ironic how that is. I’ve haven’t reached out to many of late because it’s been interesting to see those that reach out to me. I can count them all on one hand.

I have to say that something my daughter said to me the other day made me smile. “I’m not used to a parent spoiling me.” I used to think the same about my father. Living with my mother was me being the adult all the time. So, when my father tried to do things for me, I resisted of course. I had learned to be independent at a young age. My father doing things for me was strange to me. To me, it was great hearing that from my daughter because it did remind me of my father. In a good way. I realized then why he had done all the things that he did. In some ways, it was to make up for my shitty mother. In others, it was probably from guilt due to my mother being my mother. With the anniversary of his passing coming, I’ve thought of him quite a bit. It is still very painful even eight years later, but it isn’t as overwhelming as it was in the past. I think of him quite often. I wonder if he would be proud of me. Even if the Narcissist painted me up to be a monster.

I’m finally in a good place, well financially and for the most part with my life. I will never be in a good place about me. That’s highly unlikely after the years of hearing what a miserable human being I am. That I am basically subhuman. Underserving of the same things that normal people are. Though I know that I work far too much to have a social life. I see those in my past happy and enjoying life. Though much of it is because it’s what they want people to see. There’s that again. What they let/want people to see. Too hard to simply be themselves. Blaming everyone else for everything wrong. It’s sad really. I’m sad for those people. While I can hate myself with the best of them, I feel more for others that have to use smoke and mirrors to hide themselves from the world and use masks to hide from the world. I’m at peace with my darkness and the little bit of light that I seem to have. A challenge. Those that wish to be in my life or intend to return to it, show me something different. Show me change. Show me that it was/is the person and not the benefits. Maybe then I will be able to believe you. Until then, remain on the fringe trying to figure things out. Assume everything. The truth is rather simple. I’m just living my life. One step in front of the other and if I fall? I’m okay with that. If you think I’m the monster, then that’s what I am. I know who I am and while I’m not perfect and I hate myself, I’m not bad. I’m not evil. I’m human.